I’m beginning to think my co-chair hates me and the way I think, which is going to make the PhD process all that much harder. I get along great with chair and understand their thinking and know that while they do not think I am perfect and they often give me loads of feedback, I know they like the way I think and think I am a good writer and researcher. This is in large part because we spent two years before entering into the PhD process getting to know each other. I would email about once per month and we got to know each other’s working and writing styles. If my chair did not enjoy my writing style or think I was ready to begin writing my PhD, they would not have agreed to take me on, whereas I feel as though my co-chair and I inherited each other. I went with my chair’s preferred co-chair partner and did so based on the thought they would have similar working styles. However it now feels more like “good cop” and “bad cop”. I feel sick to my stomach when ever I have to submit anything to my co-chair. I feel like I need to prepare to be eviscerated.

The bright side to all of this is that when my co-chair does approve of my writing I feel fairly certain that it will get past committee. I feel that my co-chair does want me to succeed provided I succeed “their way”. Which, hey, I’ll take it. I don’t care how I get there I just want to get there. I wish that I could learn to accept harsh, sarcastic, and blunt criticism as constructive. I wish I hadn’t learned that constructive criticism should look any particular way other than having actionable steps for improvement. I have been down the PhD path with Chad and many of my clients and have helped them roll with the punches and jump through the hoops. I too will roll with the punches and jump through the hoops. I just wish they didn’t have to hurt so damn much. I wish that I had thicker skin and could avoid taking things personally. I have poured a lot of myself into every line I have written towards my PhD and I need to find a way to detach a bit more. Picking a topic that is interesting to me but not a passion of mine is helping a bit. I don’t see my dissertation as my life work, and that helps too. The place that I’m getting hung up is that complete and total lack of positive feedback from my co-chair. The PhD struggle is truly real y’all.