Lately, I have felt profoundly alone and on my own with everything that I am doing. I can honestly say that not a single person in the past six months has asked me what I want. No one asks me about my goals, hopes for the future, or how I make it from one day to the next, and it feels lonely. I can get people to ask by pointing out that they don’t, but absolutely no one spontaneously asks me about me. It is the loneliest feeling in the world. I feel responsible for this loneliness because for far too long I tolerated no one asking about me or about what I wanted, so the people closest to me have no clue about what I want. They have no idea that I am seriously contemplating leaving Japan and closing my business in the next six months. I want to just walk out of my life, no goodbyes nothing just pick up and go. If I do decide to leave, I will of course tell my clients and close my business responsibly. I won’t leave clients hanging. I will of course tell the people in my life that I am leaving. I won’t just disappear. I will admit there is a large part of me that wants to pack a bag and just go. Have everyone in my life wake up to me just being gone. I wonder how long it would take them to notice. It’s not like they spend a lot of time seeing me. They do spend a lot of time taking from me, but that also comes with heaping doses of disregard.

I imagine they would notice my absence as soon as something came up that they need me for. It sucks to feel needed but not wanted. I have actively been spending the last several weeks working very hard to ensure that they don’t need me to survive. That way when I leave they can carry on and have a good life. A byproduct of being a foster kid is the profound desire to leave places. This desire hits me quite frequently but of late it has become more of a need than desire. I just don’t see how I can keep doing what I am doing and none of the people in my life are listening to me. I don’t want to yell and scream to be heard. I am clearly stating that I can’t do this anymore. I have asked for very specific things to be done that are not being done. I feel like I love the people in my life dearly and to my marrow, but love is not enough. If love is not a verb that reflects actions that you take that bring specific value to the person you love then for me what is that kind of love? To be clear I’m not 100% sure I’ll go yet or even where I’ll go if I go just that if things do not change I will go. I have the right to put myself first and take care of me. I’m not depressed. This is not a cry for help. This me having to write a blog post and this is what came out. My life is not working, and I need to figure out why and what I need to do to create the changes I need to be happy.