K: I’m starting this podcast off a little bit different than how we usual start off. I’m starting off with a trigger warning because I know a lot of people come to our podcast to just chill, relax, and have a good time. And we’re going to be talking about how to… deal with stress and crisis as compa- how we would deal with it in the United States versus how we would deal with it in Japan. Which means that we’re going to be talking about things that give us stress and things that give us crisis, such as…

C: Such as being in a pandemic.

K: Yeah. And, so, if it’s too much for you, and you just want some space away from that… completely support it. Go ahead and check out one of our other episodes. And that, I think, gives enough time for those who want to click off to click off and go enjoy something else. And I’m sorry if this is upsetting for you in any way. Now, back to our (laughs) normal format. So, lately I’ve been thinking about (laughs)

C: What have you been thinking about?

K: Lately, I’ve been thinking about the difference of dealing with crisis in – how I would deal with a crisis in the United States versus how I would deal with a crisis in Japan, and, for me, that connects so much to – lately, I’ve been thinking about… actually, how different I am as an immigrant versus how different I am as a host country national.

C: Yeah. So, I think – when you say crisis – I think about that stupid, stupid saying that I heard growing up.

K: Okay.

C: “The Chinese words for ‘crisis’ and ‘opportunity’ are the same word.”

K: What did you just say?

C: That the Chinese – I don’t know that this is true: I’m saying I heard this. That the Chinese

K: Well, there’s no such language as Chinese.

C: There’s that.

K: Okay.

C: That the words for crisis and opportunity are the same. In Japanese, they use the same kanji, but not – that’s not the whole word. But I feel like… my crisis is somebody else’s opportunity.

K: As we’ve seen in the United States and throughout the rest of the world.

C: But it’s not my opportunity.

K: Yeah.

C: So, I feel like, when people say that, it’s just fundamentally dishonest. Like… some people are making fat cash off of the pandemic.

K: Yeah.

C: That doesn’t mean it’s not a crisis for us.

K: Yeah. So, for me, in the United States… so, my differences and similarities between who I am – it’s interesting to me the things that are constantly me no matter where I am in the world. And some things that are constantly me is that I’m an activist and an advocate. And one of the things – the key components – for me about being an activist and being an advocate is first you have to know how to advocate for yourself. Because if you can’t advocate for yourself, you can’t a – you don’t know where the resources are to advocate for other people. So, I know the laws really well. I know who to call if I need help. Like, for example, I know how to call – so, in Japan, Japan is not the most accessible. And I think a really great mutual of ours on Twitter named has a really great website called Accessibility Japan. Is it Accessibility Japan or Accessible Japan?

C: I think it’s Accessibility Japan.

K: And he did a wonderful job talking about the different cities and the different ways its accessible. And we’ve talked about it in the past.

C: Physically accessible to people with disabilities.

K: Yeah. So, for me, knowing – I have – my office is in a four-story walkup, but someone in a wheelchair can still come up to my office because they have a robot that will walk up the stairs for them. And you just call and have that – it’s a van service that comes, picks them up from their home, and then has the robot walk them up. So, I know that. I know what to do for child guidance centers; I know that in Japan there are no battered women shelters, so I do know, like, the battered women’s underground.

C: Right.

K: In Japan. I do kno- there’s a lot of things that I have a lot of information about that’s really hard fought and hard won – that was hard fought and hard won in the United States as well for the state of California and, specifically, the county of Santa Clara.

C: Well, I and I think when you talk about being an advocate – when I talk about being an advocate, I just mean as a layperson. Either for myself, advocating for my own things, or as somebody trying to sway other people’s opinions.

K: Mhm.

C: But you – you do that, but you also do it professionally as

K: Yes.

C: As, for example, advocating for abused children.

K: Yes.

C: And that kind of thing. So, I think that gives you a dual perspective on it. And, so, when you talk about resources, those are often professional resources that you use.

K: Yeah.

C: Sometimes government, sometimes NGOs, or just volunteer groups.

K: Yeah. So, what I find frustrating is… that… the government – both how similar – so, there are some pockets of Japanese governance that is so similar to the United States, and it’s the most frustrating parts. So, maybe there are other similarities, and I just don’t notice them because they don’t work my nerves, but… for those living outside of Japan, the Japanese government has taken the position of “we’re not going to do what’s necessary to stamp out Covid-19 in Japan. We’re going to keep it at a manageable level, so that it doesn’t turn into a forest fire.” Which is not working.

C: Right.

K: So, it’s just leading to everyone who has a compromised immune system… I’ve been on lockdown, now, since March. And here it is September, and, like, I’m leaving my house at most two to three times a month. And that’s it. It’s really difficult. I don’t ride my bike at night anymore because I had a biking accident, so I’m not getting out. I’m not socializing. I’m stuck in the house with… my family. And people are like, “that’s wonderful” and “you’re lucky and privileged.” And, yes, I am. But I get zero alone time. I get – like, there’s so many things that I need to function that I just don’t get because I can’t go to my office because my clients don’t believe that I don’t go to my office, and they are showing up at my office randomly. And I know that because… my office manager, who happens to be our son, goes to the office twice a week. And there will be notes slipped under the door.

C: Yeah, he goes to pick up mail and that kind of thing. Handle bills take care of things.

K: Well, and to flush – whoa

C: Flush your toilets, yeah.

K: Yeah. So, if you own a piece of property, and it’s vacant, you have to flush the toilet at least once a week or it will start to smell like sewage. It will just put off – it will just smell rank. So, you have to make sure that whatever pipe and whatever flow that it’s part of, that it’s flushed. So, he has to go flush the toilets and pick up the mail and such. And there’ll be notes from people. Like, “oh, thought we’d catch you here.” And I think that that’s like, literal, they thought they’d catch me. And if I was working from my office and not seeing clients in person, I would say that, and I would not open the door when you came and knocked on it.

C: And it’s interesting because they did this before the pandemic.

K: Yes.

C: There was such a time, difficult though it is to remember, and people who weren’t even your clients would just drop by for an appointment.

K: Yeah.

C: Even though your website says very, very clearly “by appointment only.”

K: Yes.

C: Like, you don’t have

K: In several places.

C: Yes. You do not take walk-ins. You are not set up for that, you are not capable of doing it in a structural… physical, architectural sense.

K: Yeah.

C: And it’s not what’s most therapeutically effective is what you’ve told me, so

K: Yeah, it’s not. I know there are people that do walk-in clinics. I know there are people that do e-therapy. I do neither, and I don’t feel any type of way about that. It’s just how I am.

C: Yeah.

K: So, for me, the thing that’s missing is… my – I have an ability to talk to our government official, and we know the mayor of Nagoya. But how… impotent the mayor of Nagoya is being, and how proactive the governor of Aichi has been – we’ve talked about before

C: Yeah, and some of that is government stuff. Nagoya is not a strong mayor city. There’s a city council that has most of the power.

K: Yeah. So, for me, Covid’s not the only thing we’re dealing with. We’re also dealing with Black Lives Matter, which is something I’ve been dealing with for… 51 years. And I’m 51 years old. Because I’m black, my life has always mattered.

C: Your math is on point today.

K: Yeah it is because I don’t always know how old I am. Musick Notes, y’all know like “ohh Kisstopher knows how old she is? She’s focused today.” So, with the Black Lives Matter movement, you guys can check out our episode on that, but it’s also… educating our son.

C: Yeah.

K: And… preparing – our son’s engaged – and preparing him for the things that he has to do and like… I think… something I did that I’m wondering if it was the best thing to do – well, part of the reason I moved from the United States is I didn’t want to raise a black man in the United States.

C: Yes.

K: And he has a beautiful afro, and he’s only been pulled over by the police on his bike, I think once, and in his car, he’s only been driving while black – dwb – twice in Japan.

C: Right.

K: And of – neither time did the officers pull a gun on him because officers don’t carry a gun.

C: That’s a big way that that doesn’t happen.

K: And the officers in Japan, they’re not… embarrassed about it, so they don’t make up some phony ticket. They’re just like, “yes we’re stopping you because you’re a foreigner and we don’t trust you.” They’re, like, in your face with their racism. Which I find beneficial because it doesn’t give points on his driver’s license because they make up some phony crap about something other than being racist.

C: Right. “Your taillight [crashing sound] was broken.”

K: Yeah. Like, “no, we’re stopping you because we’re racist.”

C: Right.

K: “And we think you’re up to no good.”

C: I think Japan is very up front about that in a lot of things. I was reading about the rental market and how…

K: They just straight up say “we don’t rent to foreigners.”

C: Yeah. And there’s no law that says you can’t say that even though there’s a law that says you can’t discriminate… but sometimes the court says, “it’s not really discrimination to refuse to rent to foreigners.”

K: Yeah.

C: And sometimes the court says, “oh this time it was discrimination.” So

K: But you don’t get anything for it.

C: No, you don’t. That’s the other thing.

K: There’s no pain and suffering for being a foreigner in Japan.

C: Well that’s the other thing about civil lawsuits. You were involved in one, and even if you had sued them for damages, taken it to court, they would have paid your lawyer and paid you like… ten dollars an hour for your time.

K: So, something that is new for me that I didn’t have – I have culture crises now.

C: Mm. Yeah.

K: It’s not – and it’s different from culture shock.

C: Yes.

K: So, the culture crisis and… ohh

C: I know what you’re going to say.

K: Yes. And I am sorry boo-boo. I am so sorry, son of mine. And my beautiful daughter. I still love both of you. To the heart and soul. But… I have to talk about y’all for a minute.

C: Okay. That’s not what I thought you were going to say.

K: Yeah. I have to talk about y’all for a minute.

C: I thought we were going to be talking about the JB situation.

K: Yeah, no, you could talk about that.

C: Okay.

K: I need to talk about this.

C: Okay.

K: So, our son gets engaged, we’re happy. It’s beautiful. We’re lovely. Everything’s amazing. Yay. Party time, happy, absolutely love, love, love, love, love his fiancé. She’s part of the family to us. She’s like a daughter to us. And then… she says this: “I’m planning a 30,000-dollar wedding.”

C: “My sister is planning a 30,000-dollar wedding for me.”

K: Yes. “My sister is planning a 30,000-dollar wedding for me.” Because she’s a big – she will throw your ass under the bus like (snaps finger) that. In a heartbeat. She never says that she wants something. Someone’s always told her about something. So, her sister – so, the first time she hits us with it is… so, mind you, I have to back up a little bit. It has always been understood in our family that Rasta would be handling his wedding, and that we would pay for his honeymoon.

C: Right.

K: That’s always been understood in our family. We have never… because Rasta has always said “I want a small wedding.” Rasta has never wanted a big wedding. And… so, my understanding was that Rasta and wedding equaled small wedding. What was your understanding?

C: Yeah. That was my understanding, too, especially after we moved here to Japan. Where a wedding ceremony has no legal impact whatsoever.

K: None. Whatsoever. You cannot have a romantic ceremony

C: You can go have a ceremony

K: Everyone has to go down to the registrar’s office.

C: You can go have a ceremony every day for a month, and you still wouldn’t be married.

K: Yeah. So, like… even if they’re ordained.

C: Right.

K: And most… and… you can’t – it’s really rare that you can get an ordained service. There’s a few, like, actual priests in Nagoya, but usually it’s an English teacher who it’s their side gig.

C: Right, right.

K: It’s to just stand there and be the foreigner for a Western style wedding. And then there are… actual religious ceremonies such as like, a Shinto wedding or a Buddhist wedding, and then the different sects of those religions.

C: Yeah. Or the Catholic weddings or the Muslim weddings for… primarily foreigners for Catholics and Muslims, but there are Japanese

K: So, Muslim weddings are very similar to Japanese weddings. It’s not a ceremony.

C: Right.

K: Like, the bride sits behind the wall, and then a man who speaks for her… goes and agrees to marry the man who wants to marry her.

C: I am not… clear about all the details of it. I just know that – that I have Bangladeshi friends, and they said they have weddings at the mosque. So, that’s the extent of what I know about it.

K: Okay, the extent of what I know about it is – this is what was described to me by a Muslim woman as her wedding.

C: Right. So, it may be a particular cultural thing, so

K: Or it may be a particular type of

C: Yeah.

K: Yeah. So, we’re not Muslim. Y’all know that. If you’re a good Musick Note you follow us on Twitter, so

(laughter)

K: I know a lot of people don’t migrate. Some people are just podcasters. So, in the United States, what I would have – how I would have handled that crisis is… I would have called up a wedding planner, and I would have said, “hey. This is the budget for the wedding. Take care of it. Handle it.” Like… find venues and all of that. But she’s saying this in the middle of a pandemic.

C: Right.

K: And, so, I’m thinking well even places that are reasonably priced, post-pandemic, everyone who has put off their ceremony is going to want to get married. Or have their ceremony.

C: Yes.

K: So, prices are going to skyrocket post-pandemic. I think.

C: I already know so because we checked one of our favorite hotels – which means that we’ve gone to it more than once because it’s rare we do that with a hotel.

K: (laughs)

C: One of our favorite hotels to see if they have availability in May for us to take a weekend.

K: Yeah.

C: And they were already full.

K: Yes.

C: So… I think that a – people are

K: So, May of 2021

C: Yeah. I think people are booking reservations now at places that have more lenient cancellation policies.

K: Yeah.

C: And just cancelling and rebooking just waiting for the time that it’s okay to have it. So, I think there’s… this rolling tide – it feels like a gathering wave of events that will all happen as soon as people feel like it’s safe.

K: So, this wedding… has been planned by several people, we come to find out.

C: Yes.

K: So, the saga goes on. So… then, first she hits us with “my sister’s always wanted to be a wedding planner.” She didn’t hit us – she hit Rasta with this because, at the time, we were going through some family stuff, and I wasn’t talking to Rasta about it. And… because Rasta was like “I don’t want your help planning it – I want to do it on my own”

C: Because we always agreed

K: As we had already agreed, so it was like okay. Rock on.

C: And he was like “where are we going on our honeymoon?”

K: Yeah. And I’m like “somewhere local because I’m terrified that you’re going to get locked out of the country because you’re not a citizen.”

C: Yes.

K: Or a permanent resident yet, so

C: Even if he’s a permanent resident, they’re barely starting to let us back in.

K: Yeah. So, it’s really scary times. So… this is turning out to be a wedding episode, but it’s not what I planned it to be – but it’s what popped into my head. This was – this was the biggest crisis we faced.

C: I think it’s demonstrative of the differences.

K: Yeah. Because in the United States, I would have called a wedding planner. And, in Japan, the wedding planners… there aren’t any freelance wedding planners. Or my Japanese isn’t good enough for me to find them.

C: I think it’s really hard to find freelancers in general in Japan.

K: Yeah.

C: So, I – like… doing freelance work myself, there’s the company price, and then there’s the freelance price. And the company price is often ten to twenty times what the freelance price is.

K: Yeah.

C: And, so, they just… saturate the market with advertising and with… basically making it sound like if somebody’s a freelancer, then you can’t trust them, and a lot of venues won’t work with a freelancer. You cannot book them through a third party. You can book them yourself, and they will sell you on their wedding planner.

K: Yeah.

C: So, I think that the… the vertical integration of services, to use the business term, in Japan is much, much stronger than in the United States.

K: Which makes it really challenging because we can’t… find a freelancer. Because that’s – that would be my solution in the United States.

C: Right.

K: So, then, like… our son tells us “hey, she’s planning a 3-million-yen wedding” and I was like, “well, y’all better get to saving.” And he’s like, “I don’t” – he’s writing books, and he’s like “I don’t want to take money from my book fund for the wedding.” And I was like, “you shouldn’t because that’s your future. The wedding is just one day. Y’all need to work this out between yourselves: if you really don’t want this big wedding, you really need to communicate with your wife.” Because I feel like the wedding sets the foundation. So, just to be real straight up, I don’t have any fond memories of our wedding day. Like… with two exceptions: waking up the morning of and exchanging our vows. Those two moments were extremely private.

C: Yes.

K: And our wedding was taken over by everyone else. And… I didn’t even get to eat at our wedding, and I – like, the menu that I picked was, the food was sumptuous and scrumptious. And they put a plate aside for me, and one of the wait staff ate it.

C: Yes.

K: So, it was just like – that’s indicative of our wedding. So, I don’t have any – and we had a small wedding – and I don’t have any, like… for me, wedding set the foundation of a marriage, and… the wedding planning was awesome. We did that together. But the actual wedding day – I don’t know anybody that has an actually magical wedding day. It is so stressful. It doesn’t go the way that you want. If you’re demanding in any way, you’re a bridezilla. And… trying to have a special day that’s for you – most people don’t get that.

C: Yeah. I think that bridezilla comment is insightful. Because I feel like there’s two ways you can go: either somebody else handles everything – in which case you have no control – or you have to handle everything – in which case you have no relaxation.

K: Yes. And I handled everything.

C: right.

K: And, so, I had no relaxation. And I didn’t get to spend any time with you. And… so… for me, it wasn’t a fun day. I was the hostess. And I was the host of our wedding.

C: Yeah.

K: so, to me, I feel like… how you plan the wedding is the foundation. The wedding day is a celebration for everybody else who wants to celebrate you.

C: Right.

K: And then… off you go. And, in Japan, there’s a custom of where you charge 300 dollars for people to come to your wedding. And that’s to help offset the cost of the wedding. And… Rasta being an expat, I’m not flying in people from the United States. And then, in addition to flying them in, putting them in a hotel. And then in addition to flying them in and putting them in a hotel, paying 300 dollars for them to go to the wedding. That’s not going to happen.

C: Well, we immigrated here when he was 12.

K: Yeah.

C: So, his friends are people that he’s met online. And I’m not shading that. Many of my friends are people I’ve met online.

K: Yeah.

C: But it means that they live all over the world.

K: Yes. And, so, they would have to fly here… get a hotel – like, some of them have their own dime that they could fly

C: Right.

K: Some of them don’t. Get a hotel and then be expected to pay 300 dollars to attend. That doesn’t go down. And then… come to find out, she had also planned a wedding with her friends, and they were going to do a play at the wedding. Like a Pitch Perfect wedding. Like Pitch Perfect the wedding version. I don’t know.

C: Or like the – the Office when they went to Niagara Falls and they, like, did that whole thing.

K: I don’t remember that episode at all.

C: Yeah, I think you – I think you tapped out on that one.

K: I don’t like wedding episodes.

C: Yeah.

K: So, how we would deal with things – like the pandemic is messing with that. And the pandemic – and being in Japan is messing with that because… I don’t know – I don’t have any wedding resources. Like, in the United States, I have a gang of wedding resources. And bridal fairs and bridal shows don’t happen in Japan. At least, in my limited Japanese vocabulary, every bridal show is connected to a venue.

C: Yes. That part’s true. I was going to say I’ve seen ads for them, but they are connected to specific venues. They’re like, “our venue is only 10,000 dollars for your wedding day, and we will handle all of the planning. And that includes our wedding planning fee.”

K: Yeah.

C: It doesn’t include food or flowers or…

K: Yeah.

C: Music or anything else, but

K: Yeah. Which is how she got to 30,000.

C: Yeah.

K: And, so… as all couples who are newly engaged and are doing wedding planning, they fought for a week, and now they’ve made up.

C: Yes.

K: And this was – I’m not opening any fresh wounds. And my lovely daughter, if you’re listening to this, there’s no animosity or any bad feelings or anything. Mom and Dad still love you, and you’re still awesome. And we’re still so happy that you’re going to be our daughter. And we’re sorry that there was so much stress between you guys. She sometimes listens to the podcast and sometimes doesn’t, and so I just want her to know that she’s loved and welcomed in the family. But that was a completely different experience for me. Wedding planning Japan style versus wedding planning American style. And then come to find out that… her parents had the same thoughts that we had.

C: right.

K: That (laughs) they would be paying for their own wedding. And that… her parents thought they should have a small wedding just like we did. And their parents were concerned about the pandemic just like we were.

C: Yeah.

K: But the two little lovebirds are so romantic and so cute and kitschy that they were like, “yes, in 2022, on our third anniversary, we’re going to get married, and it’s going to be so romantic.” And Rasta has a really strict plan for his life, and… “then, a year from that, we’re going to have our baby” and everything is really just boom, boom, boom with him.

C: “A year after we have the baby, the baby’s going to be one years old.” Like, how do they know?

K: (laughs) “And then when the baby’s a year old, I’m going to have a vasectomy, and then we’re going to buy a house.” I don’t know why it’s vasectomy then house, but it just is. So, having his life so planned out – he’s had his life planned out this way since he was 8 years old.

C: Yeah. Some of the details have changed, but the level of

K: So, there’s no changing him.

C: Yeah.

K: And I got really scared and really worried that his fiancé wasn’t going to be… on board with all of this. Like, “you’re really rigid on this dude. You’re locked in.” So, dealing with things like that – like, everyday things – something that would be an everyday occurrence – for me, an everyday occurrence would be like “Well why don’t we just hold off on the wedding planning and say hey, we’ll hold off until the pandemic’s over, and then we’ll go meet with some bridal planning services” and we could have called them up, and they could have talked us through their pricing, and the different vendors that they use, and ba dee ba dee ba. I don’t know how to do that in… Japan.

C: So, I think that maybe that’s what – maybe that’s what’s different about being an immigrant. Is even when there aren’t language issues is that a lot of the flexibility that we just know when we’re in our – in our home culture. We don’t know when we’re… outside of it.

K: Yeah.

C: I have a much more difficult time making substitutions here in Japan than I did in the United States.

K: Yeah. It’s really hard.

C: So, like, the JB situation, for example

K: Yeah.

C: Is you went through a phase where you were just craving jellybeans.

K: Yeah. That’s the JB situation.

C: And jellybeans

K: There are no jellybeans. Okay, if y’all know where to find jellybeans in Japan, let us know.

C: See, here’s the thing: I know where to find jellybeans. They sell jellybeans at the grocery store in the cake decorating aisle in bags of 15 jellybeans.

K: Okay.

C: And they are rock hard

K: I’ve had those

C: Right.

K: Like, really hard crystalized sugar

C: Yeah.

K: Not really a round gelatin at all.

C: All the same flavor because they’re decoration for a cake.

K: Well it gets even better: the reason that there’s a JB situation is because Rasta wanted to do something nice for his dad. And Chad absolutely loves Jelly Bellies. I forget that I absolutely love Jelly Bellies.

C: (laughs)

K: I don’t think I like jellybeans because I only like Jelly Bellies and Hot Tamales.

C: Right.

K: Those are the only type I like, so I forget because I LOVE Hot Tamales. Like, I eyeroll on the love because I love them so much. So, Rasta orders this thing of jellybeans for his dad that have cinnamon jellybeans. The cinnamon jellybeans taste just like Hot Tamales. So, then I’m like – as I’m tasting all the different flavors – all the red ones – to find the cinnamon ones.

C: Yup.

K: I’m like, “dude I’m going to eat all your red jellybeans” because I like all the red flavors.

C: “I’m really enjoying this.”

K: Yeah. So, I feel really bad because I – I dogged out at least a third of your jellybeans.

C: (laughs)

K: I have to admit that. I, like, scarfed – and it was so fun. So, go ahead with our jellybean situation. Because I believe it has reached situation status. Because it’s been over a month, now, that we’re going through this.

C: But the flexibility thing is that, in California, and even when I was living in Alaska, I would know twenty different places to order jellybeans from. If you look on

K: Or go and get them. Like, you could get jellybeans everywhere.

C: That’s what I’m saying – if I went to the store where I bought jellybeans, and they were out of jellybeans, I could just say “hey, buy me some jellybeans” and they would have them in a couple days.

K: Yeah. Or you could go to the Walgreens across the street – next door – the Walgreens that was next door or across the street or the CVS whatever

C: Right, right.

K: And get some jellybeans. Because we bought

C: Or worst case

K: We did not buy our candy from the grocery store. We bought our candy from – like all good people – where we were getting our medication.

C: Okay. From the pharmacy.

K: (laughs)

C: Everybody knows that’s where you get candy, boxed wine

K: (laughs) We did not buy boxed wine. And we’ve already told the story about the boxed wine person.

C: Yeah. But in the very worst-case scenario, in California at least, I could just take a trip up to the Jelly Belly factory and buy them from the source.

K: Yeah.

C: And there were a few years – a few years ago

K: Because the Jelly Belly factory’s in Sacramento. If you’re in California, shoutout – you should absolutely make a trip if you’re in the Sacramento area to go to the Jelly Belly factory.

C: Take their free tour. It’s a lot of fun.

K: It’s tons and tons of fun.

C: You will buy way too many jellybeans at the end.

K: Yeah. It’s the only place in the world where you can get individual flavors. And then they have a whole section off in the corner where, like, “if you eat this one with this one and this one, it’ll taste like this.” So, it’s like jellybean recipes. Like, you can have a complete cheesecake in your mouth if you eat these three together, and it does have like the lemon, the cream, and then their graham cracker crust.

C: Mhm.

K: And it tastes dead on – the recipes were like dead on.

C: Yeah.

K: And most of them, surprise, surprise, were pie and cake.

C: Right.

K: Like, you can have this cake or this pie.

C: But a few years ago, you were really enjoying a particular kind of ice pop called kakigori.

K: Yeah.

C: And kakigori is its own treat, but it’s also sold in a generic, ice pop situation.

K: Yeah. Here in Japan.

C: So, we just ordered those direct from the manufacturer.

K: Yeah.

C: And had them ship because that’s what we do. But I just don’t know enough about the different options, so when we’re confronting a crisis as trial as the… as the JB situation or as severe as corona virus. I don’t feel like I know the options because, when you were really sick in the United States, I knew the places to go get the over the counter substitutions if you couldn’t get to see your doctor.

K: Yeah.

C: I knew, like, the different brands. I knew which doctors would be able to see you quickly or not. And, so…

K: Well, my medical team is in place, and my hospital is in place if I need hospitalization

C: Your medical team and your hospital are in place now, but it took six to seven years for that to be the case.

K: Yeah.

C: And you’ve had 4 doctors retire on you, now.

K: Yes. And one famously had cancer and was still seeing me.

C: Right.

K: Yeah.

C: So, one doctor was seeing you in his 90s, another was

K: Let them listen to the episode.

C: Yeah.

K: Go through our catalogue, you’ll find it.

(laughter)

K: I’m trying to encourage people to listen to our back catalogue.

C: You can search the transcripts if you want to know.

K: Yeah, you can. You can search the transcripts because we have transcripts for every episode. Thank you Patreons. Patreons. Patrons. Patrons.

C: Yes. Patróns.

K: Patrón’s pretty good.

C: (laughs) Yeah.

K: I don’t like tequila schnapps, though.

C: Mm. Yeah.

K: Yeah. Jose Cuevo’s just as good as Patrón. There’s one tequila that’s white that’s really, really good. I can’t remember the name of – super expensive, though.

C: Yeah.

K: Really smooth. Really good.

C: So, I feel like that would lead to a crisis pretty quickly.

K: Yeah. And I haven’t had Dwayne Johnson’s tequila. And I don’t think he drinks tequila as much as he says he does.

C: Yeah, well, I mean

K: I think he just owns a tequila brand. Because he’s a total muscle head, so maybe he drinks – it’s like super fattening.

C: Yeah.

K: It turns into sugar in the body.

C: Well, and I think when your doctors were like, “hey you’ve got hcp and lupus, and if you drink on a regular basis you will die of it”

K: Yeah.

C: That has… significantly curtailed

K: But I would have had a shot of the Rock’s tequila if I’d ever seen it. The Rock came out with tequila after we left the United States.

C: Okay. Yeah.

K: So… there’s that. And I wouldn’t know where to find it here in Japan.

C and K: Again.

C: Yeah.

K: (laughs)

C: Not knowing alternatives. And I feel like not knowing upgrades or downgrades. Like with the wedding thing: not knowing how to make it cheaper by sacrificing on things that you don’t really care about.

K: Yeah.

C: Like, for our wedding

K: And what are the things to care about?

C: Right. Like, for our wedding

K: Culturally.

C: I liked our DJ a lot.

K: Yeah.

C: He wasn’t the cheapest, but he wasn’t anywhere near the most expensive.

K: And he wasn’t that good.

C: No. That’s why I say I liked him.

K: Yeah.

C: We just made a couple of requests of him, and, like… at the time that we got married – no, not the time we got married – at the time we went to the wedding show

K: Yeah.

C: During the wedding show, they were playing the… Sugar Ray song about her hanging her halo.

K: Yeah.

C: On the bed.

K: Yeah.

C: Like, while she goes off to cheat. We were like “no”

K: No. No cheating songs.

C: Not that song. No cheating songs.

K: Yeah, we had a list of no songs. Like, you can’t play that.

C: Yeah. And I wouldn’t know what to do here if they started playing that during the wedding.

K: (laughs)

C: How do you stop them?

K: So, there’s no DJ.

C: Right.

K: And then, like, I was really confused because she wanted a 30,000 wedding but then she was like “you can eat at the venue?” And I was like, where is this money going if it’s not going to like… menu. I – I didn’t understand it.

C: The reception is separate. Yeah.

K: Yeah, and she didn’t know what a wedding service is. But she wanted a Western wedding, so it was just really, really confusing. And I don’t know how much of – like, I don’t know how much her feelings were hurt through the process. I don’t know how much Rasta’s feelings were hurt through the process because he was forboden from talking to me about it because… when I was like, “oh, I want to help you guys plan it” he was like “no thanks.”

C: Yeah.

K: And, if I offer something, and you tell me no… that’s it. It’s gone. It’s not an option, and we don’t discuss it. So… that’s one of the things that’s a factor of my personality. And I think that it comes from being a therapist. Because, if I’m in session, and a client says, “I’m mentioning this thing, but I don’t feel comfortable talking with you about it.”

C: Right, you’re not going to push them.

K: I have to say “okay.” And I just reiterate to them, “are you setting a boundary?”

C: Mhm.

K: And they say, “yes I’m setting a boundary.” So, I asked Rasta “are you setting a boundary?” And he said, “yes I’m setting a boundary.” Okay. There’ snow a boundary in place. And I think people from the outside in – it looks really hard, and they don’t understand that for me, as a therapist that’s bene doing it for over a quarter of a century, if you set a boundary I respect it. And I think people don’t understand that I started off working with kids that were – that did not verbalize. That did not speak.

C: Right.

K: So, when they set a boundary with me, it was super important to be hyper aware of their boundaries. It was super important to pay attention to different signs and signals. So, I did a career change – when we met, I was doing a career change because it was really taxing working… working just with children.

C: Yes.

K: And the reason it was really taxing working just with children is because I didn’t have the agency and autonomy to actually make any long-lasting changes in their life.

C: Well, and from my observation, you didn’t have the agency and the autonomy to actually work just with children. And you never have because, as soon as there are children, there are parents. Or guardians.

K: Yes. And I had, like, a couple of parents that I was working with their child, and they were going through divorces kind of using me as a divorce counselor at the same time. And I was like, “yo. I’m not”

C: “This is making me uncomfortable.”

K: Yeah. I’m not prepared for this. I’m not trained for this. So, I went back and got more training. But… for me, boundary setting is so important. And in Japan, that can cause a cultural crisis. Accepting someone’s boundary. Accepting – like, understanding the different nos in Japan.

C: Yeah, and I

K: And understanding the different body language that goes with the different nos. And understanding the setting and context of that no. Everything is so context-specific in Japan

C: So, I was thinking about this the other day. And it’s definitely true what you say that everything is context-specific in Japan. But I think it’s context-specific in the U.S., too, but we’re so familiar with that context. I think if we had moved, let’s say, from California to Boston

K: It would have been challenging.

C: It would have been challenging. People would have set boundaries in different ways.

K: Yeah.

C: And the gap might not have been the same, but… it would have been challenging to understand when is somebody saying no but they’re open, too, for negotiation.

K: Yeah.

C: When are they saying no, and they’re not open for the negotiation.

K: Yeah.

C: Because, in Japanese, the – a lot of the things that are actually “no” get translated as…

K: “Maybe.”

C: Yeah. As “maybe” when they don’t mean maybe.

K: There’s only one that I think is translated properly, and that’s “shouganai” – it can’t be helped.

C: Yeah. We’ve talked about that before. I think our last… a few episodes ago we talked about

K: Yeah.

C: Yeah.

K: But, like… “chotto matte kudasai” that’s “please wait.”

C: And that could mean like “please wait for your dentist to arrive” or just like “please wait until hell freezes over.”

K: Yeah. So, “chotto” is supposed to mean like “a little while”

C: Yeah.

K: And “matte” is the te form of wait. And “kudasai” is please. But… “chottooo…”

C: Yeah, that’s like “I’m not even going to finish my sentence here.”

K: Because you’re going to fill in the rest and know that I’m saying… “Mmmnnnn. Nnnnnmm.”

C: Yeah. I’m saying “… do you have”

K: And depending on context, those sounds could mean – I’m thinking “wait, I feel like I’m inviting Chad for scuba”

(laughter)

C: But I feel like, too, that

K: So, wait we (laughs) just so you know, this might be tmi, we have all these creative things that we call (laughs) sex because we would talk about things in front of Rasta. We’d be like racy, but I’d look at Chad and be like “are you for scuba?”

C: Well, that one came from a movie. It was a Ben Stiller movie.

K: Yeah.

C: I don’t remember which one.

K: And then we used to “nap” (laughs)

C: Yeah.

K: We used to “nap” a lot. (laughs) Mommy and Daddy are just going to lock themselves in a room to take a “nap.”

(laughter)

C: And sometimes we actually did.

(laughter)

K: Your face is so red. I love how your face gets red even when we’re just talking – so I feel like this is a Twitter After Dark moment #twitterafterdark. So, basically, I guess this turned into like – I guess it didn’t need the trigger warning. But we did talk about the pandemic a lot. I don’t know.

C: I think we’ll leave it. People can decide. I think the thing with trigger warnings – or I prefer to call them content notes

K: I prefer to say trigger warning. I am warning you that you might be triggered. It is not a content note. But Chad, being autistic, is really offended that I would dare – dare to say that I am predicting his mood state.

C: Well, and you’re a therapist, so you deal with people who have PTSD and other conditions like

K: Yeah.

C: Where they get literally triggered in the original sense.

K: I’m triggered by the lack of fans.

C: Yeah?

K: Yes.

C: Well, pretty soon I will find the remote control, and I will trigger the air conditioning to come back on.

K: No, tell the truth: okay, just – we’re going to talk about this. We’re going to talk about the speakers every time. We’re going to be using these mics probably through December because we’re super busy, and one of the other mics was damaged, and we have to send it back, and it’s a whole thing. We appreciate the patrons that donated specifically for us to buy the speakers for us to improve our sound quality. But this is probably going to be our sound quality until the beginning of next year because changing the mics is more complicated than we thought it was going to be.

C: Yes.

K: We’re… noobs in the land of podcasting. And…

C: I’m a data engineer, dammit, not an audio engineer.

K: Yeah, and so we really appreciate everyone being super patient with us, and we’re sorry about that. And we love our patrons, and we completely appreciate everyone who gave us money on ko-fi. And I pronounce it ko-fi because it’s k o f i

C: Yeah.

K: Who gave us money on ko-fi for the mics because we understand that you’re really struggling with our sound quality. We’re trying to do things on our end to fix it, but… the mic being broken – we put a little sock on it and everything because it came with a sock – I’m sure the sock has a name, but we tried putting the sock on it. We tried clamping it in different ways, we tried looking through the cordage, and all of that. And we just came to the conclusion that the mic was damaged, which means that we have to send it back. They’re going to try to repair it and send it back to us. We want them to just replace it, so it’s turned into a whole saga that we’re not going to bore you with.

But one day, soon, we promise – in the very near future – that we’ll get the mic situation worked out. And when we do, it’s going to be party.

C: Crystal clear audio.

K: (laughs) So, do you have anything you want to say about the mics?

C: No. Still dealing with that crisis.

K: (laughs) Because, real talk, I’m not dealing with it at all. Chad’s doing everything for it.

C: Yeah.

K: I’m not doing anything for it.

C: No.

K: But talking about it. Like, you don’t have to talk about it. I’m the one that has to get on the mic and explain to the people.

C: And I appreciate that.

K: Yeah. So, Chad’s fixated on jellybeans today, as you could tell. So, I feel like this should be – this should have been more like a jellybean wedding episode because I’m still thinking about the wedding and Covid and… like… I wish that they would just – they could stamp it out. They have the ability to stamp it out, and instead they’re just keeping us at this middle…

C: They heard “flatten the curve” and they went “flatten it? Flatten it and push it so that it lasts forever? Yes, please.”

K: Yeah. And I hate this stupid myth of herd immunity.

C: Yes.

K: Just ugh.

C: When people are getting reinfected, herd immunity is not a thing.

K: Yeah. Yeah. So, that’s our rant on that. But… happier notes

C: Had to justify the trigger warning somehow.

K: (laughs) You’re an ass.

(laughter)

K: So, head on over to Patreon and hear what we’re going to talk about over there.

C: Yup.

K: (laughs)

C: Hope to see you there.

(laughter)

K: Bye.

C: Bye.