K: So, lately I’ve been thinking about how work defines me and the difference in how work defined me in the United states versus how work defines me in Japan. And I think a lot of things factor that like my age and Rasta being an adult and all of those kinds of things. And I think, in the past, we’ve talked about people’s perception of what we do for work, but I don’t think we’ve talked about how we feel about what we do for work.

C: No, we don’t tend to talk about our feelings on the podcast.

K: (laughs)

C: I think you’re right that we haven’t talked about how we feel internal about what we do for work.

K: Because for you, I think, it’s been… interesting to watch the development – I think it’s fair to call you an executive.

C: … Yes.

K: And see that – that pause right there. The “nnn”

C: I had to think about it. I’m part of senior management. I am an executive… yeah.

K: But you struggle with that, and it’s – like, you joke around about having a PHD and such, but it’s always in a joking manner. I’ve never heard you say, or talk about your PHD, with any gravitas. I think I talk about the fact that I’m working toward a PHD with way more gravitas than you give your completed PHD.

C: You do, and part of the reason that I tend to do that is that I have learned that I should not take up too much space. And I’m not saying this is a good lesson or a bad lesson… I think we could talk for an entire episode about that, but my inclination is not to take up a lot of space. And it takes up a lot of space when I say, “yes, I’m an executive.” Like, with a PHD and 25 years of experience in the field and… like… boom. Takes up a lot of space that I… can make people feel pushed out. Or like their experience is not valid.

K: So, I am forever going on and on – like, I bang on about the fact that I have over a quarter of a century experience as a therapist, and I’m in a PHD program. I like – I lean into my gravitas.

C: You do, but in person, people tend to look and say, “what do you think of that, Chad?”

K: Yeah, they do.

C: So, that’s what I’m talking about taking up space. I think that, when you lean into your gravitas, people are almost willing to give it equal weight to me not leaning in.

K: What do you mean?

C: I mean that going back to when we were in the U.S., and doctors would ask my opinion about your medical symptoms because

K: But how is that related to, like, people accepting me leaning in? Are you saying it’s a gender bias? That, like, as a woman

C: I’m saying it’s a gender bias, it’s a racial bias, it’s an… age-crossed-with-gender bias because I find that… like, your age right now, people are starting to give you gravitas because of your age, but when you were in your 40s, it was like “oh, you’re past your prime.” It’s like a weird double-hump where, when you were in your 30s – well, you’re young and vital – and

K: When I was in my 30s, just to give everybody some context, I was still getting carded for cigarettes.

C: Right.

K: And when I was in my 40s, people thought I was in my 30s. And the only reason people know I’m in my 50s now is because – and I’m vague now that I’m actually in my 50s. I tell people, “I’m a woman of a certain age.”

C: (laughs)

K: “And I’ve been doing this over a quarter of a century.”

C: Mhm.

K: So, I put it in terms to where they can’t minimize it. I had one client that was like, “wait a minute. I thought I was older than you.” I’m like, “no, you’re not. You’re actually younger than I am.” They were like, “I thought I was a lot older than you.” I’m like, “no. I’m a little bit older than you.”

C: Mhm.

K: And they were like “… wow.” And it just blew their mind because their experience of me was that of a young woman.

C: Right.

K: And I think it’s because I don’t have a lot of grey. I don’t have the amount of grey that people would expect.

C: I have stolen your gray.

K: Yeah. You have sucked away – you know I have gray envy.

C: I do.

K: Because you got greybeard.

C: Yes.

K: And you’re a silver fox.

C: Thank you.

K: And our Musick Notes will know because they follow us on Twitter that… it’s official.

C: Yes.

K: (laughs)

C: And I’m only in my 40s, so I am not yet a man of a certain age.

K: No. You are not.

C: I am a man of ambiguous age.

K: Yes. There – I like that; a man of ambiguous age. So, do you feel that you’re experiencing… internal ageism?

C: No. I don’t think I’m experiencing internal ageism. I feel so… respected by default that…

K: What do you mean?

C: By other people.

K: Mhm.

C: I feel like, in the professional context, people respect me by default. And so, it would seem…

K: What – I don’t understand that phrase: “respect you by default.” So – because – okay. If anyone from the company listens to our podcast, thank you, but I’m gonna have to do some real talk for a minute. It is an environment of – from my perspective – of pseudo-respect. Not pseudo. I should say collegial respect. But the type of respect that you’re experiencing is not the default level of respect everyone experiences at your company.

C: No. I’m not talking about inside my company. Inside my company is completely different.

K: Okay, yeah.

C: I’m talking about

K: Or any company you’ve ever worked out.

C: Right. I’m talking about outside of people who work with me.

K: Okay.

C: So, people who work with me, I think I have earned the respect that Ig et.

K: Yeah.

C: And I think that, there, reminding people at every meeting, “hey, remember I’m Dr. Musick” would be like…

K: Ham-fisted.

C: Yeah. Like… I can look up people’s credentials if I want. We have access to a system where I can look up who people are

K: Well, at your previous job, I would push you and say, “remind them about the PHD” because you weren’t getting that respect.

C: Yes.

K: And so, for me, I don’t understand your relationship with your PHD. I don’t understand your relationship with being an executive because it’s so different than my relationship. And, so, for me… I have always been very much, “do you know who my husband is?” Like, even when we first met

C: Yes.

K: Like as soon as we got married – you were 24 when we got married?

C: I was twenty… yes, I was 24 when we got married.

K: And so, even when you were 24 when we got married, I was very much like, “do you know who my husband is? And you’re like, “babe. I’m not anybody.” And I’d look at you and be like, “no. You are Chad Musick.”

C: (laughs)

K: Like… do you not hear what I’m saying to you? You’d be like, “I hear it, but I’m not understanding the gravitas and importance of that.” I’m like, “hello. You are my husband.” And you were like, “I really don’t get the world you exist in.”

C: Yeah. And sometimes, I still don’t get the world you exist in, but more so. So, I think for me, having a PHD does not define me because I am not in the academy. I’m not working in academia.

K: Mm.

C: And so, I think working in academia, it would be like, “okay. I’m expected to have a PHD, and in Japan there are a few professors who have only a master’s, and they are… constantly

K: Yeah, constantly on the three-year cycle. Some are lucky enough to get on a five-year cycle.

C: You’re talking there about non-Japanese people.

K: Yeah.

C: There are a few permanent Japanese professors who have only a master’s

K: And deep connects.

C: Yes.

K: Like, relational connects.

C: Yes.

K: Yeah. So, nepotism is strong and thriving in Japan, and I’m not mad at it.

C: It’s called cronyism when they are only your friends rather than your family, so nepotism is family. Cronyism is friends.

K: I can think of one person that the cronyism would apply to, so yeah. Sensei on that.

C: Thank you.

K: You’re welcome. So, for me, I feel like you’re… a hungry ghost seeking for something to satisfy you when it comes to identity, and I don’t know what that something is. And I don’t feel like any achievements that you have… are satisfying. I feel like they satisfy you for maybe a month, and then you’re on to your next achievement. And, yes, I am talking about your relationship with continuing education. It is obsessive and confusing to me.

C: I think continuing education is a good thing, and I like – I like certificates to just mark the passage of time.

K: But you’re getting certificates in things that your PHD trumps.

C: Yes.

K: And in things that, like, you do in a day. So, like, if you can get the certificate in a day that is like a three-month program, clearly you didn’t need the certificate. And, like, you already have the job, but you’re still getting more certificates relating to the job pretending like your job cares. And they don’t.

C: They have told me explicitly that they don’t. That they don’t understand it, either.

K: Yes. So, everybody in your life… maybe this is a mini-intervention. I don’t know.

C: It sounds like it might be because I thought we were gonna talk about how you felt about your job.

K: (laughs) I understand how I feel about my job.

(laughter)

K: But I think maybe you need an education intervention because I’m like – I’m so happy when people, your seniors or peers, suggest books for you to read because I’m like, “great. We’re not going to be in certificate time.” Because you get so… intense during certification. It like – you – it’s so for real for you. Like for real for real for you. Like, you’re going like… that over-achiever kid that’s taking the S.A.T. their junior year, their sophomore year of high school, so that way they can retake it in their junior year to make sure they can get into their first-choice college. You’re like that energy.

C: I am absolutely that energy.

K: And it’s a lot, babe.

C: I know it’s a lot.

K: So, I ask – I always request for like a month of come-down between certificates.

C: Right.

K: And it’s just – it’s a weekend. You’ll do a three-month or six-month program in a weekend. And I’m like, “why are you bringing this much intensity to our”

C: The latest certification took me, I think, three months. I started it in November, got interrupted, and now here it is April. So, that’s six months.

K: How much of active working time did you spend on it?

C: I think I actively spent… maybe… 30 or 40 hours on it.

K: Mmkay. So, that would be… a week. If you had just like, a week plus a weekend.

C: Yeah.

K: Because you do like two 6-hour days, then you do like 4- or 5-hour blocks during the week.

C: Yeah. During the week, I allow myself – and the people I work for encourage them to take it – one four-hour block just purely for whatever education they desire.

K: Yeah, but when it’s certificate season, as I think of it, you will be up until 10 o’clock at night just working on certificate stuff sometimes.

C: Oh, during the week, yeah. On my own time.

K: Which is really late because you like to go to bed at 9.

C: I do.

K: 9:30 is like ohh.

C: So, I do think that… I don’t like the hungry ghost characterization because that comes from Buddhist philosophy, and I don’t feel like I’m like that. But I do feel like I never quite feel like I know enough. And… so, I am continually seeking education. And I feel like that’s the right thing to do but also that it’s born of insecurity. I feel like if I felt truly… secure with myself… I don’t know what I would do. Because it’s not job insecurity. I’m good at my job.

K: Yeah.

C: My job – people at my job regularly tell me, “you’re good at your job.”

K: You’re one of the best at your job.

C: Yeah. And I get that feedback directly from the people at work who have the level to tell me whether or not they think I’m doing well at my job.

K: Yes. And have experienced enough people doing your job to know whether or not you’re one of the best they’ve worked with.

C: Right. But I just still feel insecure in myself. Because my self-identity is… I feel like, still… unformed professionally. Because… it’s difficult to say. I think that I expect everybody around me to be continually educating themselves, continually trying to improve.

K: Mhm.

C: And I would feel hypocritical to sit back and reap the rewards of everybody around me continually improving if I weren’t doing it myself.

K: But the certificate part, to me, is the insecurity. Because I do that – I do continuing education. Like, even when I wasn’t in a PHD program, I read a lot of non-fiction. And… I don’t need anyone to certify that I know it. Like, as soon as I read it, I know it. And I’m a complete brain-geek, so the thing I like to do: I own brain books for like… brain anatomy and… research on the human brain. It’s just for entertainment and fun. And I have – I think of it as a picture book – but I know that it’s not – the way that I perceive the book – I know it’s not perceived that way. Because I keep it in my office now, I keep it in my office because I like to hand it to clients and whip it open to the page that shows the physical structure of the brain.

C: It is a picture book.

K: Yeah, it’s got pictures of like

C: I think it’s called the

K: Real human tissue.

C: I think it’s called the Atlas of the Human Brain or something like that.

K: Yeah. And I like to flip it open, and most clients do not find it interesting. Find it a bit overwhelming and just would rather have me say the words.

C: and you also have an eight-hundred-page book that you were like, “ohh, this is so yummy” when it arrived on memory and the formation of memory.

K: Yes. I love memory. It’s a trip. It’s a trip.

C: So, you’re not all about the picture books.

K: No. But I find that how I think about the brain candy – for me, it’s brain candy. And just whatever I’m interested in. For you, it’s very targeted, and it aligns with whatever your professional goals are.

C: Yeah.

K: And… I find that alignment, when people are like “okay, you have this job.” “Well, there’s a certificate that says I should have this job.” “Right on, but you have the job.” “Yeah, and now I have the certificate, too.” And you’re almost more satisfied by the certificate than you are by the job – by getting the title, rather.

C: Yeah. I think in some ways, I am. Like, I’ve been data – I have the data engineer position from November of 2019.

K: Yeah.

C: And then a year later, almost to the day – I think it was slightly less than a year – I got the Google Cloud certification as data engineer.

K: Yeah.

C: I was like, “okay. Now I’m a data engineer.”

K: Yeah. Even though you’d been doing the job for a year.

C: Exactly. Because it’s very hard to pass that certification if you haven’t been doing the job for some time. They recommend that you do it for a couple of years.

K: so, I’m glad that they have amazing marketing.

C: Exactly. And they do have amazing marketing.

K: Yeah, they do.

C: And the certification that I just got is also an issue of them marketing it well.

K: Yeah. So, with Chad and thinking about work, I don’t feel that… your identity is attached to work in the way that my identity is very much attached to work. And every job I’ve had – even when I was a sex worker – I would lead with my job. And I think that’s a very American cultural thing to do. And… you would be like, “why do you tell people you’re a sex worker?” And I’m like, “because I am. And that’s what I do.” And so

C: My confusion wasn’t about – it wasn’t like, “why do you tell people this shameful, shameful thing” but it was because that wasn’t how you presented when we met. When we met, you didn’t tell me anything about what you did for work. I think it was like weeks before you told me you had a couple of different jobs, and you told me what they were.

K: Yeah. And so… for me… by the time we met, I was just… doing exotic dancing and staring my own company and working for another company. So, I had three jobs when we first met.

C: Right.

K: And I would tell people I was a stripper rather than tell them… about the company I was starting because I didn’t want anyone to steal my company idea out from under me. Which they didn’t have the training and education to do, but it’s just something I’ve sort of always had a thing about. And the company that I worked for… I just really didn’t… like them.

C: Yeah.

K: Or approve of what they were doing because what started my business was – the company I worked for was doing applied behavior analysis, and when I firsts started with the company – so, applied behavior analysis is, if you don’t’ know, very much based on Pavlov’s theory of desire. And… when I came into the company, they literally gave me a bow of skittles. And told me to feed a child a skittle every time they did something I wanted. And the child had – was having weight issues and health issues from the amount of sugar that they were being given because it was the only way they could get them to do – to get the child – the child was autistic. And… liked to be naked. And that was like a problem. And they wanted the child to get dressed, brush their teeth, sit down, and for each step in that process they would give them candy. And I was appalled by this. I was like, “this is wrong. This is not right at all.”

C: Yeah.

K: This child is not a dog, and I don’t want a trained monkey. I want authenticity. I want to know what this child likes. I want to know what they’re about. And… I would buy – and they loved toys way more than food. And they loved toys that light up and spin and made noise way more. But when… I was working with them, I… all of the – the children that I were assigned, I got them off food. And I stopped doing ABA with them really early on in the process. And I was doing something different. And, so, to make it be the – the company was so desperate for it to be applied behavior analysis that they gave me a board with pennies on it. And… if they could fill up the thing with pennies, they could have some treat from mom or dad after I left. And I was just like, “no. I’m not doing that.”

And then I became a manager in that job, and I was like… and then I started looking at education of children in general and the way that ewe teach children and the way that we motivate children, and that got me obsessed with motivation. And how to motivate people without dangling carrots.

C: Mhm.

K: And having it be more intrinsic rather than hedonistic. And I’m anti-masking. I don’t think that we should be teaching autistic people to mask their autism for the comfort of others. And so… that really revolutionized me as… as a therapist. And revolutionized my practice as I built it up. And… being against ABA over 25 years ago when it was like the hot thing, more so than now, it was really quite revolutionary. And so, my identity… really became “advocate.” And… that tied in well because I’d always been politically active, and… I was, you know always fighting and always advocating for children and always fighting and always advocating for individual rights and freedoms and for people of color, and for people in my LGBTQIA+ community. And… I find, now, in Japan, it’s not the same type of advocacy. Because the system just won’t allow it.

C: right.

K: It’s just not – if you speak a single solitary word, we’ve talked about this before, you can’t get a diagnosis of autistic.

C: Yeah.

K: So, I find being a therapist here in Japan… it’s not… it’s so – my practice is so different, and it’s just not he same. So, I found other ways to do advocacy and other ways to make a difference. And I’m really satisfied in that. But now, with my health… I don’t know if I can be a therapist anymore. Because I have POTS. And I have… a surgery upcoming for – to discover what else is going on with me. My lupus is really starting to deteriorate my health and my mobility. So… I’m kind of wondering what’s next.

C: Yeah.

K: If not therapy, what’s next? And I miss my clients terribly. Like, I miss knowing… them. And knowing what’s going on in their lives. And making a difference. And helping them have more good days than bad. And I know some of my clients, right now, are really, really struggling and not having more good days than bad. And… I see that missing… piece. I see that space that I used to occupy. And I see them not getting that booster that they used to get. And for a lot of clients, in Japan, I am the only one who’s a member of the LGBTQIA+ community. And me being agender, and me being pansexual and having been polyamorous – there’s like a lot of things that I am that they can’t find somewhere else. So, it’s not just easy to go and change therapists if you’re working on really specific issues as community members. And being a minority.

C: Yeah. And I’ve seen, too – I don’t know if you deal with this because, as we’ve said, you and I don’t talk about your clients – but I’ve seen, too, that most of the therapists who advertise in English are very… anti-sex work even though it’s legal here in Japan.

K: Yeah.

C: And very judgmental about just a lot of things.

K: Yeah.

C: And I just would hesitate to see them even for myself because I feel like, if I wanted to talk about something, it would be how my disability affects me. And I feel like the response would be, “you’re doing fine because your career is going fine, therefore you are doing fine.”

K: Yeah.

C: “Therefore, you have no issues.” So, for me, I find that the specific job that I’m doing doesn’t… feel like a self-definition to me so much as the way that I relate to other people does.

K: Mhm.

C: And so, being management, I do feel strongly connected to that. And to making sure that the people who are my direct reports… are supported in what they’re doing, are treated with respect or treated as professionals. Like, I had somebody say, “oh I’m going to put in a formal request for 90 minutes of time off, so I can go to a doctor’s appointment.” I wrote them back and said, “no, you’re not. Just take the time.”

K: Yeah.

C: Like, you’re a professional. If this starts happening – I didn’t say this – but if it starts to be you need 90 minutes a day for doctor’s appointments, then we could talk about what that means, but the occasional life? No.

K: Yeah.

C: And having people block out time for education during work hours, saying for four hours a week you don’t have to explain why you’re learning what you’re learning. Just learn something. I feel much more strongly connected to that than I do to the specific title.

K: Mhm.

C: Because right now I’m data manager. I was operations manager at a different company. I was data engineer at this company before I was data manager. I’ve had a bunch of different titles, and I find that the responsibilities that I have to other people

K: Yeah.

C: Whether it’s laterally or up or down. Matter a lot more to me than the title.

K: And for me, I feel like therapist sums up, like, the level of responsibility I have.

C: Yeah, I was thinking that when you were saying that.

K: Yeah. I’m sex-positive, I’m identity-positive, I’m kink-positive, I’m humanity-positive. And so… for me, looking for… other people to refer to, it’s really hard to find a therapist who – so, I’m an atheist. But I know a lot about religion because I toured (laughs) a lot of different religions. We’ve talked about it in the past. I love being courted by religions. Because they treat you so good until you become a member. So, I understand how religion affects people. So, people with hyper-religiosity, I’m able to help them. And so, that’s one end of the spectrum: hyper-religiosity and… trying to overcome bigoted opinions and assumptions is one end of the spectrum.

The other end of the spectrum, which is I have gender-non-conforming sex workers who the sex work is not predatory. And it is by choice. And something that they enjoy, and there’s always inherent dangers and drawbacks to sex work. And Id o my best to make sure that they’re staying healthy and to make sure that they’re staying as safe as possible and… communicate with them about what does it mean to – how do you stay as safe as you can as a sex worker?

And then going the… then, in the next hour, I might be talking to someone about how can we understand gender-non-conforming when we’re looking through the lens of a Pentecostal doctrine. And able to talk to them about how, you know, when you think about god and your higher being and that love and what that love should mean. And if we say god doesn’t make any mistakes, then why are there so many gender-non-conforming people? How can they be a mistake? And how can people who don’t agree with their assigned gender at birth be a mistake?

And, for me, I think if we look historically, we see that gender-non-conforming people historically were revered and… really looked up to. And… there were a lot of people that they were seen as being able to heal people in the community. They were healers for some cultures, and sex therapists for other cultures, and highly sought after depending on your references.

And that… I feel like I want to protect all of my clients from a therapist that would tell them something different.

C: Yeah. I think the issue of safety at work, for example, is interesting because I feel like sex work is one of the few professions where we say, “well, sex work is dangerous, therefore sex work should be abolished” rather than “therefore we should do things to make it less dangerous.”

K: Yeah.

C: Because… when I was young, I hurt myself pretty badly being a computer programmer.

K: Yeah.

C: I had repetitive stress injury and couldn’t use my hands for months and had to do rehab and all kinds of things. In a very, very low-risk profession. And I was a warehouse worker, which is a much higher risk profession, but didn’t get hurt. So, I think that… when we’re looking at professions and saying, “this profession is risky”, then… the natural thing, for me, is to say, “how do we make it less risky?”

K: Yeah.

C: Rather than, “how do we abolish this thing that is letting somebody make a living?”

K: And for me… having whether or not I’m a therapist not be a choice that I get to make.

C: Yeah.

K: Having it be whether or not I can do the job physically and mentally and having it so up in the air and dependent on what a surgeon says.

C: Because it’s not that job title that’s being taken from you. It’s all those relationships that you would have because of what you do.

K: Yes. Because it’s not appropriate for me to have any relationship with them if I’m not their therapist.

C: Right.

K: It’s not – I know that some people are like, “after a year or after 5 years” and I’m like, no. The dynamic exists. The power dynamic exists. And it’s a huge ethical concern. We will never be on equal footing. It – you can’t be.

C: I feel that way about parenthood, too. If you were somebody’s foster parent.

K: Yeah.

C: You can’t be like, “oh, I haven’t been their foster parent for a year, and therefore we’ll have a relationship. It’s not gonna be affected by our past relationship.”

K: Yeah. No.

C: How could it not be?

K: Yeah. If you were in a place of authority. And I look at our son, who’s 26, and he and I are very friendly… but – and I think he and I are closer to having equality in our relationship than you and him are because, like, he snaps at me, he yells at me – he doesn’t curse at me. But he doesn’t curse at people.

C: Yeah.

K: And… he expresses his full range of emotions, but there is… always the knowledge that I can stop that. And so, there’s not… that free, true, equal… equality, there. Because he can’t stop any expression of my emotions.

C: Mhm.

K: There’s nothing he can do to stop it. And, while he can match that emotion, and he can continue to contribute to that emotion, and we can work it out and hash it out, I’m t he one who determines whether we hash it out or not. And so, it’s an unequal distribution of power. Because I feel like you – like, if you decided to get up and walk out of the house right now, there’s nothing I could do to you.

C: Yeah.

K: There are no repercussions because, psychologically, I don’t… control your emotional space. And I tell everybody, like, if my mother were alive today, she could snap her fingers, and I would still freeze.

C: Mhm.

K: And it’s something that I learned at a very young age. Like, my mother snaps her fingers, and me and anyone – any kid that had ever been around her – would immediately freeze. And she used to do it for fun, and it pissed me off when I was an adult. Just to show people, like – I’d be minding my own business doing something, and she’d walk into the room and snap, and I’d freeze. And then the look on my face was just like – if looks could kill. And I’d turn around with all that rage, and just laser beams, and she’d just laugh. And be like, “but you can’t say anything, can you?” And then when she would say that to me, I’d be like, “yes, I can.” And she’d be like, “only because I spoke to you first.” And I was like, “ugh.”

C: (laughs)

K: Ugh. Rahh.

C: Yeah, the only person that I have that kind of equality – not your mother’s equality – but the kind of equality that you’re talking about is with you. So, I don’t have it with Rasta, our son, because…

K: (laughs)

C: Like…

K: Because you don’t trust him.

C: No. You are the only person that I trust. And so, even people who are my friends… I feel like he and I are friends on the same level that I have friends.

K: No.

C: If you talk to me about stuff, I will talk back to you.

K: No. Because I look at the relationship between you and our one friend that we talk about – I don’t know why I talk about them every episode, but they feel like such a major part of our life.

C: Because he’s one of my closest friends.

K: Yes. And I just absolutely adore them. If you’re listening, know that you are the sweetest person ever. And we just absolutely adore you. And that’s why we talk about you. Not from any sort of… malice. And the reason we don’t say any more than that is because our policy of everybody tells their own story.

C: Yeah.

K: But I look at your relationship with them, and the one thing I will say is that they are younger than our son. And you don’t have that level of equality with Rasta that you have with our friend.

C: Well, I think one difference is my friend never asks me for anything except for time.

K: Okay. So, it’s about the money.

C: Yeah, definitely.

K: (laughs)

C: And about the doing things.

K: Because our son needs – will just randomly need money.

C: Or for me to do things, like, “can you do this for me?”

K: Yeah. Randomly. Our son is extremely random. And, like, the thing that I just want least in all of the world is randomness. And I tell him, “can you please just not be random?” And he’s just like, “the world is random, mother.”

C: Yeah, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be.

K: Because I’ll send him of a list of like, to-do – of things I want him to do because he works for us – and I’ll send him a list of “this is what your week is going to look like.” And the week will be completely different. And he’s like, “randomness, mother. My week was nothing that I thought it was going to be, mother. So, therefore, I am random.” Because he values comfort. So, he just stays psychologically comfortable as much as possible regardless of how much it’s gonna impact me or you.

C: And I’m like, “would you like some industrial management to deal with the inherent variability of your workweek?”

K: (laughs)

C: And both of you are like, “no. No, we don’t want that. Stay out.”

(laughter)

K: No. Because you are random, too. You think that you can make everything regular and predictable.

C: No. I don’t. I think that we can account for irregularity in standardized ways.

K: But you can’t account for irregularity in standardized ways in your own life in any aspect of your life.

C: Only because you see me too often.

K: (laughs) Because I was like, “if you’re going to say if you can, I’m going to say one word: nap.”

C: Yeah.

K: (laughs)

C: Only because you see me too often. If I were allowed to set the schedule, I wouldn’t want that because I like seeing you all the time. But if I were allowed to set the schedule for which I communicated with you

K: Thank you for clarifying. (laughs) That you don’t wish I would go away and only see you enough to think that you’re completely non-random.

C: Exactly.

K: (laughs) So, that’s something that I find fascinating is… your naps. They are so random. And you’ll be like, “I’m not going to sleep. I’m not taking a nap.” And then… you’ll be snoring. And then other times you’re like, “I’m going to take a nap” and then you’ll be up until like 1 in the morning. No nap. I don’t understand your relationship with your understanding of whether or not you’re going to take a nap. It’s so confusing. I just like – I have to tell you, “babe. I can’t handle you taking a nap today.”

C: Yeah.

K: Like, I have to tell you the day before. Like, “tomorrow’s going to be super busy. I can’t handle you taking a nap.” Which almost guarantees that you will need a nap. And then I have to plan it. And then it feels like the most loving nap ever.

C: I feel like sometimes I’m not actually napping. I’m just meditating so deeply that my breathing is not being under my control.

K: (laughs)

C: And therefore, that leads to a sound that mimics snoring.

K: You have started snoring before your head has hit the pillow.

C: That’s what I’m saying. That’s me meditating very deeply.

K: (laughs) I’m glad that you don’t have the habit of sleeping sitting up anymore. That used to freak me out. And like when you sleep standing. That really freaks me out. It doesn’t seem safe.

C: It is

K: Like, why did you develop that skill? It’s so unsafe.

C: It is unsafe, and I feel like… we’ve talked about before about my epilepsy.

K: Yeah.

C: And that it’s mostly under control now. And I feel like, now that it is mostly under control, that behavior has mostly stopped because it was not related to exhaustion. It was more related to the postictal state. Like, after I have a seizure, I must sleep.

K: Yeah.

C: So, I think it was more about that. It was more about, like, my body going “okay, we’re going to fall asleep unpredictably, so let’s develop the skill of doing it while standing or while sitting up or whatever rather than falling over because you’ve fallen asleep.”

K: Yeah. And so, the CBD oil – we’ve talked about it before – has been just miraculous for you. And so, I – I encourage everyone with epilepsy to give it a try. Talk to your doctor. Give it a try. If cannabis is not legal where you’re at, there is CBD oil without THC in it.

C: It’s still not legal in some states even without the THC, even if it’s not

K: Yeah. Check if it’s legal. Do your research. Talk to your doctor.

C: And if you’re – if you’re anti-seizure medications are already working for you, then there’s no need for it. So, I had gone through years and years of trying to find an anti-epileptic drug that would work for me.

K: Yeah. And we were still on that journey

C: Right.

K: When we met. And it was just horrific. It was awful to watch

C: Yeah.

K: You go through. It was awful to go to the appointments. It was expensive. So expensive. And for bad results.

C: Yeah.

K: And we tried, like, everything. We were literally out of things to try. The doctor was like, “this is the last thing I can give you. There is no other drug for you to try.”

C: Yeah.

K: Because you were really – your seizures are really serious, and I was worried about you dying.

C: Yeah.

K: From your seizures.

C: I’m not an advocate of CBD. I don’t think it works better because it’s natural or anything like that. It’s just the thing I have found that worked for me.

K: See, and I’m an advocate for CBD because it’s…

C: I think people should try it if they have not gotten good control, but I don’t think that it’s more effective because it’s more natural of anything like that.

K: So, I think being an advocate and proselytizing are two different things.

C: Yeah.

K: So, I don’t proselytize for CBD.

C: Right.

K: But I do advocate for people’s right to have medical control.

C: Absolutely, yeah.

K: And medical choice.

C: Yeah.

K: And I think CBD should be a medical choice just like I think St. John’s Wart should be a medical choice for people with depression. It’s a really small percentage of people that St. John’s Wart actually works for, but that small percentage of people… I think should have access to it. Just like I’m medically resistant.

C: Right.

K: So, my PTSD, my anxiety, my depression – any of my emotional states, there is no medication that can affect it because the hereditary coproporphyria and the lupus play such a big part in my experience of that. And then there really aren’t effective medications for CPTSD or PSTD out there. Or treatments for it. So, for me, I’m just like… eh.

C: Yeah.

K: I do other things for it. I don’t take anything for it. I have different habits and stuff that I do. So, kind of bringing it back – not kind of – but totally bringing it back to our topic. In the United States, when I wasn’t working, everyone accepted that I was an advocate because I – there was some time that I took off to focus on Rasta. And I thought that would – I still feel like that was the best choice. And then… but, here, people don’t see me as an advocate. And it’s really challenging for me, especially with schools. Like, in the Untied States, if I went into a school, mad respect. Like, they knew that I could change their lives significantly. And I’ve gone into schools in Japan, and I have changed the structure of those schools significantly, and they still don’t respect me as an advocate.

C: Yeah.

K: They see it as adversarial, and they despise me. Like, schools just… cringe when I walk on campus. And don’t want to see me there. They don’t want to have the meetings. And they don’t like having their relationship with the child guidance center – which is the Japanese child protective services – changed. Because some schools over-report, some schools under-report in terms of things that are going on with children and their families. And when they interact with families when they do, like, the individual education plans and when you have unqualified people diagnosing children. I roll up. And I’m like

C: I think what this points to

K: I roll up, and I’m like, “wait a minute. Nope. We’re not labeling this child.” Because I feel like you don’t label a 3-year-old. Don’t label a 3-year-old. Don’t label a 5-year-old. Don’t label a 15-year-old. Because those labels all have meaning. Unless it’s backed by science. Unless you have the education and experience to do differential diagnosis, don’t’ do it. And for me, there are a lot of clients – and I’ve talked about this before – that I just don’t say their diagnosis because it’s not beneficial for them to hear the label. Because… what you tell people they are, oftentimes it’s what they become. And telling a 15-year-old that they’re limited by this… disability or they’re limited by this label becomes their identity instead of asking them… is this beneficial to you?

C: Yeah. I was just gonna say that I think if somebody asked you, “what’s my diagnosis?”

K: Oh, I would tell them.

C: Yeah. Exactly. So, you’re not concealing these diagnoses.

K: No.

C: You’re just not making it a focus because diagnosis is intended to be an aid to treatment.

K: Yes.

C: Like if you diagnose somebody with epilepsy, the point is not to forever cast them into a particular thing. It’s to help them by addressing their seizures.

K: Yes. And I learned early on in my career – I casually told someone they had an anxiety disorder. I was just like, “duh da duh da duh, you know, because your anxiety disorder.” And they were like, “wait, what?”

C: (laughs)

K: And I was like, “what?” They’re like, “I have a what?” I’m like, “you have an anxiety disorder.” And they were like, “what?” And they freaked… just like, they were so upset. It was so wild. And they were… really, they had a meltdown about it. And I was like, wow, that was really irresponsible. It’s completely on me. It’s not on them that they had a meltdown. They heard a piece of information that they weren’t ready to process, and that’s on me. That was my responsibility. I was young. I was much looser in the tongue.

C: Yeah.

K: I didn’t realize how much people are paying attention even when they seem like they’re not. (laughs)

C: Yes.

K: And now I know just because you are looking all around and… radiating “I hate you”, you did decide to come to this appointment, and you are paying attention to what I’m saying.

C: Mhm.

K: And so, I need to – to measure my words. So… I don’t know how to be… recognized as an advocate in Japan.

C: I think that the structure you are being recognized as an advocate. You’re just being recognized as are ally annoying, obnoxious one they don’t want help form.

K: As an adversary. I’m not being recognized as an advocate. I’m being recognized as an adversary, and

C: Because you’re advocating. And I think that if you look at how this goes with like the… like, access – physical accessibility for, let’s say in the U.S., like ADA compliance.

K: Yeah.

C: Nobody wants to hear that hey are not accessible. And some companies, like, accept it. Like, okay. We want to comply with the law. And other companies just… if you come anywhere near their business, and they think you’re going to make an ADA complaint, they blame you. And they like… take out, you know, ads in the newspaper asking for laws to be changed so that

K: They don’t do all that to me. Instead, they tell people not to see me. Which is the best advertisement ever.

C: Absolutely.

K: As soon as they hear – as soon as you hear from somebody you are not having a positive experience with, “don’t trust this person” they come to me.

C: (laughs)

K: And then the first thing they tell me is, “hey, they said don’t trust you, which makes me trust you.”

C: (laughs)

K: And then I sued them. And now they don’t speak my name at all.

C: Yeah.

K: Like, take my name all the way out your mouth. So, they don’t refer or dissuade against me or even make a face when my name is mentioned. Which I find is so interesting because the child guidance system, the court system, and the police all adore me. All adore me.

C: Yeah.

K: The schools hate me.

C: Because you want the best outcome for the child rather than the best outcome for the school.

K: Yeah.

C: And the best outcome for the child is what everybody except the school wants.

K: Yeah. So, I’m looking at, like, hopefully I can get my POTS under… control. Which we talked about on a different episode, where like I faint and I get dizzy and all of that from sitting up, and I have to randomly sit back. So, looking at my setup, I’m looking at, okay, I think I can overcome the POTs, and I think that… because, like, clients – I’m sitting, so clients can’t tell. They won’t care.

C: They won’t care. That’s the issue.

K: Yeah. And so, waiting to see what the surgeon says. In terms of my health, to see if I can still… see clients and to see if my clients still wanna see me after two months. I know a few do.

C: Yeah.

K: I know some have already moved on to another therapist, and I’m happy for them. I want everybody to have more good days than bad. I hope this was interesting.

C: Yeah, I hope so.

K: And y’all just… you can encourage Chad or congratulate him on his certificates, but please do not join in the intervention.

C: Thank you.

K: Don’t pile on.

C: I will occasionally post my digital badges showing off.

K: (laughs) Like, love, share, subscribe. All of that. And we hope you follow us on over to the take two, where we will be talking about…

C: We are going to be talking about overeager people.

K: (laughs) Yes. Aggressiveness.

(laughter)

K: So, thanks for listening. We hope you come back next week. We appreciate your time, and we hope that you follow us on over to Patreon for the take two. Talk to you next week. Bye.

C: Bye.