For those who don’t know, HCP stands for hereditary corproporphyria, and mine is still raging. I wrote about it in the October 11th blog post, so if you want to know what it is, please check out that post. Today I want to talk more about the emotional and dietary side of it because that is what I am struggling with at the moment.  One of the emotional effects of HCP is the desire to push people away and be on my own when I have a really bad or prolonged attack like the one I am having now. I feel anti-social and loathe the thoughts of seeing or talking to anyone. It doesn’t help that I am also dealing with a lot of physical issues such as irritable bowel and feeling like my blood is made of electrified crystals, which results in me feeling like my blood is simultaneously electrocuting me but also tearing me apart. I have a sharp stabbing twisting pain in my lower left abdomen and spasming twisted intestinal track. I am physically the worst I have been all year. I am afraid to be more than 10 feet from a restroom. It is a living hell.

Each day I am amazed that I have made it through my work day. The physical pain and the emotional turmoil feels like I am being attacked by my body. I also have strong mental food cravings, where my brain will think of a food and I will feel like I am going to die if I don’t eat, and food revulsion, where I think of a food and think I will die if I eat it. This has resulted in me eating the exact same food for over a month now. Regardless of how much I do or do not enjoy the food, if I do not eat what my mind craves, then the pain gets worse and more intense. The food does not give any relief other than to not make the pain any worse. The pushing people away, interestingly, is not because of the physical symptoms. I have no shame about how often I need to use the restroom. I have friends who would be more than happy to come to my house and hang out.