K 

So lately I’ve been thinking about the different reactions from our American friends and our Japanese friends when we tell them that Rasta is not getting married and not going to have any babies. We know we told y’all a long time ago. And – but we’re just not getting around to telling family and friends. Because Rasta’s 27, and I’m sorry pasta baby, you know, I put your business out in the street. Before his 30th birthday, we’re giving him a vasectomy. And our Japanese friends are like, that’s so wise and responsible. And our American friends are just like, freaking out and like, clutching their pearls and thinking we’re ruining his life.

C 

They do think we’re ruining his life because doesn’t he deserve the chance to randomly get somebody pregnant unexpectedly?

K 

Right?

C 

And when I got a vasectomy, the doctor was like, Don’t you deserve the chance to get somebody pregnant? Like, okay, but the other doctors said if Kisstopher gets pregnant, there will be death. And the doctor said, well, but maybe you’ll get another wife.

K 

Yeah, he said that in front of me. And then he asked if you would like to consult with the with him in private cuz I was in the room.

C 

Like, no, no. I was clear with Kisstopher when I met I did not want any children. I did not want to sire any children.

K 

Yeah. And you also in the middle of the surgery cuz I was there for the surgery. And he was like, this will never be reversible. Because your vas deferens were twisted, and so, this amount that had to be removed, they can never be reattached.

C 

And so yeah, I was probably never fertile. But that’s kind of a

K 

Yeah, cuz so they had to, like, almost completely remove the tube that the sperm travels from the gonads in.

C 

Yes.

K 

So. Yeah. But

C 

Thinking it’s probably going to be a little easier for Rasta.

K 

I hope it’s just really easy. I know clients that have had when I was a therapist, that was like, a go to for people – for male clients who had

C 

Cheated, I’m assuming you’re gonna

K 

Yeah, who had cheated.

C 

Okay, I was just guessing.

K 

No, that had – male clients that had cheated, like a big mea culpa was, I’ll go get a vasectomy. So you know I’m not starting a second family with anyone because that was like a big a big fear among a lot of the wives. Well, if I divorce you, you’re just gonna go start a second family, and then take all the resources from our family, even when it was the wife that had all of the resources. That was really bizarre to me. I’m like, but you’re the one that has all the resources like, they don’t even have any resources. Yet, but at least this way, they can never give anyone a child. And I don’t know for me, I’ve never seen I’ve never felt like that’s a gift. Like, who’s gonna want their child and like, they’re obviously cheating liars. So do you think they’re gonna honestly tell a woman who wants a child that they’ve had a vasectomy? I don’t think so.

C 

No, it’s so bad that after I got mine, people would ask, Well, do you have a vasectomy? Like in social situations, which didn’t quite get. I’d say yes. And they’d go “mhm.”

K 

Yeah, and in the United States people would ask us – there was a lot of pressure in the United States for us to have another child. There was a lot of pressure even Rasta was like 10

C 

Well, there was a lot of pressure of, don’t you want a child who’s really yours. For me I was like what the fuck are you saying? Rasta is really mine.

K 

Yeah. So for those of you that don’t know Chad adopted Rasta and so for them – for a lot of people who profess to understand that adoption is – and Rasta doesn’t feel any way about this so we’re not like hurting Rasta by saying Rasta’s adopted. I think we might have mentioned it before. I’m pretty sure we have. We tell you all everything. We love our Musick Notes.

C 

We just past 22 years as a couple. We are not down on couples or marriage or anything. But Rasta is 27. And people who can do math will note that 27 is greater than 22.

K 

People who can do math that is so rude. Like not not people who can count: people who can do math.

C 

That was math.

K 

No, that was like a joke at me because I don’t know what that means. Because you’ll be like – because I’ll ask you how long have we been together? You’re like Rasta’s 27. So I’m like what does that mean? Rasta’s 27. What does that mean? You’d be like, we got together when Rasta was five. So how many years that we’ve been together? I’m like, but what does that mean? And like you often tell me when you were born 1975.

C 

Just give them my social security number, too, go ahead.

K 

Yeah, I will. And I still don’t know what that means. Like, how old are you? I know. I was born in 1969. So that makes me a decade older than you.

C 

Okay.

K 

Because I was born in the 60s. You were born in the 70s.

C 

Yes. The day that this podcast has released will be my 46th birthday.

K 

Yes. Happy birthday to yah, that’s all I can think so we can’t afford to pay for that.

C 

Okay.

K 

We got no money. We’re broke. We have no money for that. But y’all know what I’m singing?

C 

They do.

K 

All my peeps, they know. They know. It’s like Martin Luther King Day.

C 

Yes. And I felt like a lot of times people were saying, but don’t you want a white child? And I was like, okay, but haven’t you looked at Kisstopher?

K 

Right? Still not going to. Still not going to. But we did punk. He’s dead now, so there’s no way he’ll know we did this to him.

C 

Okay. Yes.

K 

But Rasta’s biological grandfather reached out to me and asked for a picture of Rasta playing football, specifically, a picture of Rasta playing football, a game Rasta never played, and Rasta wasn’t sporty or athletic. And so I sent them a picture – a stock photo of a black boy playing with a little white blond haired white boy. And we named the blond haired white boy, Phineas.

C 

Yes.

K 

I don’t know why I named him Phineas. But I remember Phineas Well, yeah. And sent them the picture. And they’re like, can you send us a JPEG so that we can post it on Facebook? And I thought about it.

C 

And you’re like, don’t do that. That’s just really mean. I was like, this is the same guy who claims to have an Interpol warrant for us – out for me, because we moved to Japan.

K 

That what?

C 

That claimed to have an Interpol warrant out for me for kidnapping because we moved to Japan.

K 

Yeah.

C 

Which we got a court order asserting our right to do before we did it. So yeah.

K 

Yeah. So just lovely people. So I felt like they would have deserved the jpeg. But they had like so many. So they had like five or six Facebook accounts. One was like Rasta was a missing child like a milk carton account

C 

He’s in his 20s, and you can find him within like a 10 second Google search.

K 

Right? And it was – like they all knew, when they were in touch with me they all knew how to get in touch with Rasta. Because they got in touch with me through Facebook. And so you know how to get in touch with Rasta. And then like some random person got in touch with him, and like Rasta flipped out on them. And it was just it was like a whole thing for a week. And that was like how much effort they put into it. So I feel like they would have, they would have deserved the punk joke of it. Because like they could have gone on to Rasta’s Facebook page and gotten – they could have actually gotten

C 

It wouldn’t have been football.

K 

Yeah, it wouldn’t have been.

C 

Rasta’s not done a lot because of the quarantine, but he’s pretty athletic. And other things like salsa dancing and such that are

K 

Yeah, because he can lift his partner and yeah, he can do dance lifts and such. Yeah. But just not really in sports. Not really into what they think of as masculine sports, when you have that absurdity of what it means to be masculine is absurd. And so Rasta doesn’t find that, you know, our -we don’t buy into it.

C 

When I was a senior in high school, which was a long time ago. No jokes necessary.

K 

Just few years ago. Just last year. That’s not fair because you have your PhD. So.

C 

Thank you.

K 

Yeah, we got to give you those educational years. And we met in college, so.

C 

We had a really, really good football team, our football team was one of the best in Alaska. The quarterback went on to play in the NFL. And our kicker was one of the girls at school. So I’ve always regarded that as just kind of like… it takes a certain dedication to be a football player. But, not necessarily that you have to be a man.

K 

And you have to memorize a lot. The playbook is thick. The playbook is thick. It’s longer than a Stephen King novel. It’s so thick. And you have to memorize all of those, and you have to watch film. It’s like a lot goes into playing football. Yeah, so and they’re like dumb athletes. They’re not dumb. They’re tired. But we digress. So our American friends are like, just upset, it’s wild. They’re so upset. They think that we’re taking something from him. And I’m like it is a birthday present that we are giving to him that he wants now. And I’m saying, no, wait till you’re 30 to be sure.

C 

Okay. And some of these American friends, because I know which ones like some – I don’t know all the ones who make comments, some of them on their fourth marriage.

K 

Right?

C 

Like no criticism for leaving people who don’t suit you. But it’s hard to sell

K 

Yeah. Get a divorce if it doesn’t work.

C 

But it’s hard to sell you should have children because that will ensure your family stays together as something real if you are on your fourth marriage.

K 

Seeing you’re getting something different than what I’m getting. I’m getting I should have grandchildren to be guaranteed love. And I feel like my son loves me. Yeah, my son loves me. And not only does my husband love me, but my husband likes me.

C 

I do.

K 

We get along and we talk, they’re like, yeah, but as you grow older, you’re gonna run out of things to say. And I feel like well doing the podcast is one way to ensure that we don’t. I always learn new stuff. Musick Notes hear, me learning new stuff about you. I learned something new about you the other day that I didn’t know. I can’t remember what it was, it was something food related. That you didn’t like something.

C 

Yeah, probably.

K 

I can’t remember what it was. Oh, we were talking about pumpkin pie. Is this gonna embarrass you? Because I want to share it with everybody

C 

No, go ahead.

K 

So I make – every year this time of year, I want to make a pumpkin pie. Chad doesn’t like homemade pumpkin pie. So I assume Chad doesn’t like pumpkin pie. And then Chad confessed to me. Just I think it was just yesterday.

C 

It was Yeah.

K 

That you like – that you only like Mrs. Smith’s pumpkin pie.

C 

Yes.

K 

Because nobody else’s homemade pumpkin pie has even consistency throughout. And I think that’s because they don’t puree it long enough. And I think it’s because they don’t boil it for long enough. Because homemade pumpkin pie, you have to boil it until it has no flavor. So I don’t – I kind of, that’s why I never pushed you to let you make homemade pumpkin pie. Because to get it that smooth, even texture. One you have to peel it, and two, you have to boil it till it’s nothing and it barely has any pumpkin flavor. And then you add all of that – you add so much spice in that it actually changes the color of the mixture from orange to brown.

C 

Yeah, absolutely.

K 

So it’s not any healthier, it’s not good for you. It’s – I was just like, I just want to show off the fact that I can make pie. I just like I know how to make pie. Not everyone knows how to make a pie instead than when you wouldn’t let me show off making pie, I started making empanadas. Because those are quick and less involved.

C 

And I feel like with a pie it took enough time that I could notice, and I’d be like no, no pie. But empanadas. You’re just like here.

K 

Whenever I say something in Spanish you have no clue what I’m talking about.

C 

I know and you just present it to me, and you’d be like it’s a plate accompli.

K 

Well and because empanadas can be sweet. They can be spicy, they can be savory. They can be a lot of things. They’re a baked pastry, so you cook food and then put it in a pastry and bake it in a puff pastry.

C 

You gave it to me and I was like it’s a small it’s a samosa and you were like it is not a samosa is different. Yeah, okay. It’s food inside of a baked crust.

K 

Yeah, it’s an empanada. Try it. And I was like, this is a sweet one. You’re gonna love it. It’s your favorite one. And I – and so I used to do this thing when Chad would go to pick Rasta up from school, like whatever forbidden food that Chad was like, don’t make this for me. I would make it while Chad was out of the house. And then when Chad came home, Chad would be like, what’s that smell? I’m like, I made you something. And then present it.

C 

I just want to confirm I was exactly as fat when we met as I am now.

K 

Yes, no, there was a point in time when I had

C 

I’m not saying that there was never a peak between the two.

K 

Yeah, there was like during my, during my baking stuff while Rasta was at school, you gained 50 pounds from that and, you were like you’re gonna kill me. And I was like, okay, but your blood pressure, blood sugar, nothing has changed. And you’re like, no, it’s harder to move around. This is not okay, so we got a gym membership and I stopped doing it. And now we’re back at our set weights. I didn’t gain any weight during that time. Because I didn’t like anything I was making.

C 

I think this is important.

K 

Yeah, except the spicy empanadas. I love those, like the hot spicy potatoes, because we have like this pepper oil that was really good.

C 

You know what I think is interesting about the grandkids thing

K 

Is that they’ll never taste my food. And that’s the biggest crime of all.

C 

Yeah. But the other thing is the Americans, and speaking only about people we talk to and

K 

Our friends and family.

C 

Americans have the same kind of assessment of what the future will hold for the family as Japanese people do. They just feel very differently about it.

K 

I think see, and I think it’s because Japanese people have a very different cultural belief than Americans. All of my Japanese friends say good for him, because that means he has freedom.

C 

Right.

K 

You’re giving him his freedom. Because in Japan, there is no belief that you can have it all. The belief is that if you have one child, for the rest of your life, everything you do is for the betterment of that child, no matter how many children you have, the rest of your life is spent dedicated to the betterment of those children.

C 

Right. So I think our American friends have that same view that they espouse. I’m not saying – like we like our friends

K 

No, they expect, like, out of college that they expect. In the American culture, everyone’s saying, who’s gonna take care of you. And our Japan friends are like, that frees you up to move into an elder condo, And I’m like, yes, thank you. Like, if I can’t, if I go senile, they have like these great elder condos, here in Japan, y’all have heard me talk about them before, you know, I want to be in one. And Chad’s like, we already have our elder condo.

C 

Well, when we bought this place, like many years ago, there was a place that we liked. And we asked, the person who was helping us and they were like, you can’t get a place there. We’re like, but we really like it. You can’t get a place, and we finally said, why can’t we get a place there? You have to be at least 50.

K 

You have to be at least 50. And you have to guarantee that no children will come into the building.

C 

Yeah. Like, okay, we’re not – like, Rasta was still a child.

K 

Yeah, like you can’t even have your grandkids come visit. You go visit them. This is a quiet building. Okay. And I feel like I’m old enough now. So who’s holding us back?

C 

Oh, I’m holding us back. Definitely.

K 

Yeah. You’re holding me back from my elder. My elder condo dream.

C 

Yes.

K 

You know, I’ve dreamt that for years, as I’ve talked about elder condos since we lived in the United States.

C 

You have.

K 

I’ve always been like, we need to get an elder condo. So when I go senile, you can just put me off into the senile ward, and forget about me so I can get my my new partner. Because I’m not going to remember you. So I’m going to get a new partner. Like don’t come in there stressing me out. You should get to know me again on my level, and see if we, you know, reconnect that way. Don’t Notebook me.

C 

Oh, oh, I wouldn’t Notebook you. I would

K 

Spoiler, they both die at the end. That was so mean for people who haven’t seen it, but it’s been like over a decade.

C 

I haven’t seen it, so you just ruined that movie for me.

K 

Okay, I don’t know that they both die in the end.

C 

Okay.

K 

I just know they’re both really old, and I think that’s what

C 

I only read Nicholas Sparks book, not the Notebook. I read one of his books. And I was like,

K 

Until you said that, I didn’t think Nicholas Sparks was a real person.

C 

He’s the author of the Notebook.

K 

I figured that when you said it.

C 

Okay. I think he also wrote Bridges of Madison County. That wasn’t the one I read either.

K 

So I feel like Americans are lacking friends feel several things about Rasta getting married and having children. One, they think that Rasta getting married – as mother of the groom that that will be an amazing day for me. And having been through our wedding, no, weddings are not amazing days. They’re just days filled with varying levels of disappointment in my mind.

C 

The day, people, the day.

K 

Yeah, it’s just a day. It wasn’t the best day of my life. It wasn’t the most significant day of my life.

C 

Not talking about the wedding night, just the day.

K  

We had a blast the wedding night.

C 

We did.

K 

But the wedding day was all about everyone but us. And so I see why bridezillas happen. And then a Japanese wedding ceremony is so different. So the girl that Rasta was engaged to had the most bizarre wedding fantasy ever. And they ended up breaking up. This was the tipping point of breaking up. So one, she wanted a wedding that cost about $80,000. And I said, no, I’m not – and she wanted us to pay $80,000 for the wedding, and was convinced that she had enough friends that would give her 100 bucks to go to the wedding. And I’m like, if you do the math, does she have 1000s of friends, because she said she has eight friends. And they’re not all giving her 10 grand.

C 

It is customary for Japanese weddings to bring money rather than gifts. But it is also customary for the bride and groom’s family to chip in so that the amount of money that people typically bring is less than the cost for the guest. Most Japanese weddings, you lose money, you don’t make money, even if all your friends bring the expected amount.

K 

But here’s the thing, she wanted a western style wedding, in which her and her friends would – she would come down the aisle, then Rasta would step aside. And it would be a surprise play that nobody knew they were coming to. And it would be a musical. And so we’re supposed to rent the hall long enough for her to put on the surprise musical which I’m like, why am I sitting through that? And they’re like, well, we know how to sing in English. Again, why am I – still not motivating me?

C 

So this was like when I discovered that Tony and Tina, were not our friends. We went to their wedding

K 

And had a blast. And I got up and did the hustle.

C 

And it turned out they were just actors.

K 

Yeah. And I was the one that was brought into, because they bring audience members into it. And I was wearing a dress that was just cleavage.

C 

Yeah. And so another one.

K 

Yeah. And so I got called out for showing up the bride. I was that guest – that was, and I was also the guest that was in on it that the groom was doing drugs and stuff. So if you haven’t gone to Tony and Tina’s wedding, you should absolutely go. Be prepared for it to be interactive and practice your  hustle. I love that I it was one of the best times we’ve had going to plays.

C 

But I feel very much like the discussion about the wedding would be was, okay. Have you seen the final episode of the American the office where they’re dancing on the boat beneath Niagara Falls? I want that. But not Niagra falls. Something here in Japan.

K 

Yeah. And then it gets worse. The date that she wanted for her wedding, her father was recovering from cancer, and balding. And it was right at the beginning of the pandemic, that they got engaged. And she was like, I want to be married a year to the date from the engagement. And all of the adults in the room, including our son was like,

C 

Who does that? I mean, besides you and me, but who does that

K 

We did it. But I mean, in the middle of pandemic? And her dad was like my hair still growing back. Like let me have a full head of hair. And then it just became more and more ridiculous, because just she just became more and more demanding. And what Rasta wants is a very – Rasta wanted a very specific thing and had always been honest with her. And she said she wanted that too. And then when he proposed, did a 180. And Rasta’s not really trusting. And he’s had two different women do that. He’s had three, three women – one woman did it did it in like a really cool way. He wanted one child before he was onto the No Child thing. One woman they were like kicking in having a good time really getting along, great sexual chemistry and all of that. And then the kids talk came and she’s like, how many kids do you want? And he was like one and she’s like, I want enough for baseball team. And that was the last conversation they ever had. And I was like, you go girl, and he was like, thank you. Because I would have fallen for her hard.

C 

Okay.

K 

“And I’m, I could have been persuaded to two” but I’m like, no, two was not ever going to make her happy. She wants at least five.

C 

I want enough for a golf team. Like that’s one.

K 

And then the second one was like, just weird. Like, I don’t know what they wanted. They didn’t know what they wanted. And they were like, I love you, but I’m going to be hateful and mean and call you names and… I want you to be away from your family. I want to move far away from your family and get as far away from my family as possible. And Rasta was like, I’ve always said I want to live close to my family.

C 

Well the thing is it both of them were kind of saying they wanted a particular version of a Japanese marriage.

K 

Yeah.

C  

So, you know, marriage in Japan is as diverse as in the US. Except

K 

Because the marriage is – it’s a civil service, there is no – there is no combined civil service and religious service or civil service and ceremony. It’s you go down to the office, and you’re married.

C 

Right.

K 

So it’s really common for people to get married, and then have their weddings like years later.

C 

But I know people have been married for a long time and are happy in their marriage. And their whole goal when they got married was let’s move away from both of our families.

K 

Yeah.

C 

And I know people whose whole goal was, let’s stick to one of our families. And people is let’s stick to both. And those all can work out. But if you disagree on that, that makes it very awkward.

K 

Yeah. And so, Rasta decided, I don’t want so the reason Rasta decided not to get married, was Rasta does not want to ever have to change anything about himself for anyone else.

C 

And I think that’s a kindness to the people who would have said, let’s get married.

K 

Yeah. Yeah. I think because you have to change so much.

C 

Right.

K 

For a marriage to work, you both have to change. And there’s people like, I want people to love me for who I am. And okay, well, who you are today may not work for who you’re gonna be 20 years from now.

K 

Thank you because I love you for who you were on our wedding day.

K 

Yeah, I did, too.

C 

But we both changed so much since then that I would not marry that person.

K 

Well, and that person I don’t think could fit in this life.

K 

Right.

K 

I think we’re at such a different phase of our lives, and we wanted such different things. And so when it comes to not wanting children… that actually came before the not wanting to get married and Rasta came to the realization, what he wanted to do was give a child all of his childhood happiness, which is like, that is so sweet. But he’s like, but my childhood doesn’t exist anywhere. Anywhere else in the world, like those experiences only exist in the United States in the years that we were there. Because we don’t even know if places we went to are still open.

C 

No, we don’t.

K 

If things are still there, and he doesn’t want to be in the United States. And when I was showing him the equivalent of how he could recreate that in Japan, he was like this sounds miserable,

C 

Well, I think too a lot of the kind of golden memories of his childhood are a time that neither of us working. Yeah, but for us, I think… I think it’s fair to say that we both are workaholic, adjacent, if not, workaholics.

K 

We’re both workaholics. We always – because when you say you weren’t working, we were volunteering.

C 

Right. Right.

K 

And we were volunteering 50 to 60 hours a week. We just happen to be volunteering in his vicinity.

C 

Yes.

K 

And so yeah, he didn’t realize, yeah, his school, so he didn’t realize.

C 

So I think that, you know, the kind of 24/7 in his perspective, access they had to us is not something that he could give a child.

C 

Yeah. Because, you know, we didn’t

K 

It’s not something he wants to. Because we were working from home.

C 

Right.

K 

And he did not. So we were working from home, and we would work side by side, we would do parallel work.

C 

That’s what I’m saying, it’s a whole perspective thing.

K 

Yeah, he did not enjoy, he does not enjoy parallel working. And he does not enjoy being interrupted. And he does not enjoy – he has this habit of staring at people. He stares at me, and he stares at Chad whenever he’s in our proximity. And he’s like, I don’t want to be stared at. That’s what your kid is gonna do. Your kid is gonna stare at you non stop and want you to look at them. Because they’re looking at you to make sure you’re looking at them. And Rasta thought about it for a moment. And he’s like, yeah, I am looking at you to see if you’re paying attention to me. And so he’s like, I don’t want to do that. And then we were listing off, like all of the things that made his childhood so magical. It’s like, I don’t want to do that. And there was then by the time we were done with the list, there was not a single thing on the list that he would want to do. And he was like, I’d be kind of a selfish parent.

C 

Yeah, and I thought that was a great realization. I was like, okay, I’ve done my job, right. In having him put the needs of a hypothetical child ahead of his own and say, wait a minute. I wouldn’t be able to do this with a non-hypothetical child.

K 

Yeah.

C 

So therefore I shouldn’t have a non-hypothetical child.

K 

Yeah. I felt really, really proud of him too, because we’ve raised him that he was – so I am pro choice. And I chose to have a child. And so for me, Rasta doesn’t own anything. And I think, in the United States that’s the cultural shift too. In the United States, people feel like Rasta owes me something. And in Japan, they feel like I owe Rasta something. And they all get him not wanting to be obligated, and not wanting to have that lifetime obligation. Whereas I accepted the lifetime obligation, all of our Japanese friends, they really dig the fact that we get that even though he’s 27, we’re still responsible for him. We’re still his guarantor, we’re still, I think that culture of family and that culture of being connected to your history, and knowing your lineage, and like our family has lived here for hundreds of years kind of thing.

C 

Right. Definitely if he moved, he would need a guarantor. And you can pay companies to do it. Or if you have parents, you can ask your parents, and that’s the usual thing to do.

K 

Yeah. And so for us, and for the, for all of our Japanese friends, they understand that if Rasta child, that’s another generation we’re responsible for. Because you’re responsible, as long as you’re living for every generation that comes after you. And not wanting that, that third generation responsibility, that second generation responsibility, and wanting the freedom, and also, with Rasta not having a kid, we’re able to be our family. And Rasta’s not taken away from us. Because every – the thing that was consistent with every woman is that, and I was trying to explain this to him, but he wasn’t believing me is that they wanted to start their own family with him. They wanted to move away from us and be independent from us in a way that he does not. And so in the United States, like, what’s the problem, so just let the wife be miserable. And I was like, well, I don’t want him to get a divorce. And he doesn’t want to get a divorce.

C 

Well, divorce has become more common here in Japan, or last, I’d say 20 years as the laws have changed. But we still have quite a few people who have been separated for decades, in some cases, who aren’t divorced.

K 

Yeah. We didn’t want him to be separated. And we didn’t want him to marry someone that we knew he was going to make miserable. Because they wanted a they wanted him to be someone other than he is. He has even if Rasta had all of the money in the world that he needed, and he didn’t need to work anymore. Rasta would want to work. Yeah. So not a lot, but a little bit, like 20 hours a week 20 – between 20 and 40 hours a week.

C 

Yeah. Not fear-based the way you and I – the way I think you and I are. Me, like I want to work because I enjoy working. But I’m also terrified of what will happen if I stop working. And I think you have a similar kind of thing.

K 

I’m not terrified of what will happen if I stop working. I am a workaholic because I’m with you.

C 

Interesting.

K 

And if I’m not working, you will not respect me.

C 

Yeah, I wish that weren’t true.

K 

Yeah. So I work to ensure that our marriage, I work for the health of our marriage. But whatever I do, I have OCD that kicks in and has to be done to the Nth. Like I can’t just halfway do something. I want it to be my vision realized, like it better really be real. It better be exactly.

C 

Assemble some gift bags, if anybody ever contacts me for them.

K 

Yeah. No, if I’m assembling gift bags, I already have a list of people who want those gift bags. And I know exactly what’s going to go in them because you’ve done the gift bags with me and you’re like, this is a mission. Why are we going to 15 places? And I snapped my head around looked at you like what are you saying to me? You want just a run of the mill gift bag that obviously looks like everything came from the same place? Is that what you’re saying to me?

C 

You told me, it needs to be clear these were not purchased. These were constructed. And we need to keep them within a certain dollar limit. But provide high value with them. Aren’t you thinking of the ratio between the fun and the dollar? It’s like no. I’m not.

K 

The value added to their lives. We have to impress the parents, but not have anything that makes noise.

C 

Because you put together a gift bag for like $2.50.

K 

Yeah.

C 

And the parents would be like, This is too much. I don’t know why you went and spent $20. You’d be like, nope. And you were very open about how much you had spent to the parents.

K 

Yeah. I’m like, no, this is just a couple bucks. Like, how did you do it? A lot of driving, a lot of driving to a lot of different dollar stores. Yeah. And I was the queen of the dollar. So I knew where all the dollar stores were. And I knew where all the sales were. And I would stock up for me – like, we have to stock up for gift bags, these things are on sale. And you’re like, why are we stocking up for a gift bag? Because Rasta’s birthday is coming. And we’ve got to make cupcakes and gift bags for Rasta’s birthday.

C 

And you carried that all the way here to Japan. And kept it all the way through Rasta’s adulthood.

K 

Yeah

C 

Because when you were doing the therapy, you had your toy box. I’d be like, where you going? Not in a controlling manipulative way. Just in curious way.

K 

Yeah.

C 

You’re like, I’m going to the dollar store today. Okay. Buy, you know, toys and things for your, your box.

K 

Yeah, cuz I had a limit no more than five bucks per toy. And so, like families of five would come for therapy. And they were surprised that each child could get a toy from the toy box. And yeah. And so now I’m not currently doing therapy, I have a box full of toys that I’ll never use – a bunch of toys. I don’t know what I’m going to do with them. I think I’m going to donate them to the orphanage. Because I don’t think I’m – I think if I do therapy again that I’m not going to do family. I don’t think I’ll do kids again. Because my – I just don’t feel like I have the stamina. And that was another reason why I was glad that Rasta’s not having any children. And I think something… I think our friends in Japan, like realize how sick I am.

C 

Yes.

K 

But our friends in the United States don’t realize how sick I am. Because they never see us.

C 

Yeah, I think our friends in Japan are like you were in the hospital for six days. Are you dying?

K 

Yeah, because that’s a big deal in Japan, Japan will get you in – Japan is like outpatient. They don’t. Because they don’t make money off you being in the hospital. They lose money because of socialized medicine. And so most things are done outpatient. So if you’re in the hospital for six days, it’s like a big deal. And I’m hospitalized quite a bit. And so like, wow you’re really really sick, and we don’t make a thing of it. But like, in the family, we don’t really talk about whether or not I’d be around to be a grandmother. Yeah. And at what age in the child’s life and so I think that also plays a big part in Rasta’s decision and for our American friends, they’re like, why does that matter? Like, who cares if you get to be a grandparent. And I was like, but you were just arguing I needed to push them to do this so I could be a grandparent. And now you’re saying who cares? Like, well, what about when he’s old? Who’s going to take care of him? I’m like elder condo. I am not joking elder – when he’s 50, he should move into an elder condo. And meet a sweet babe that’s like beyond childbearing age, and doesn’t want him to meet her kids or grandkids, and they can just do their thing. Because he has a healthy happy dating life now, with people that that don’t want children. I think in Japan too, it’s really common because you can’t have it all. You have to choose. And Rasta’s choosing to travel with us again, because as long as there was any chance of him being married, there was certain things that I had just cut him out of.

C 

Well. And I could see Rasta continuing, and this is me speaking freely, but not anything Rasta has discussed with me. I can see after things clear up as far as as quarantine Rasta continuing the salsa. Like getting into when he is older and wanting to “retire.” I’m putting in quotes. Like just going to salsa and like, hanging out doing classes not as a profession just as a like the way people do community theater.

K 

Yeah, totally. Well, he has that, he has Go. He has a lot of hobbies. And so I don’t ever see him being lonely in that way because he’s not lonely now. He’s not a lonely person. And I think some people are lonely people, but I was very solitary and you’re very solitary. And so we’re happy pretty much with just the two of us and all of our beautiful Musick Notes. I feel I feel connected to all of our Musick Notes. That shows my level of needing connection and

C 

The people who read my books. They’re all my friends. Even the ones who don’t like my books they’re my friends,.

K 

Yeah? They, they go through a process. In the beginning they love you in the middle, they hate you. At the end they’ve forgiven you.

C 

Thank you.

K 

I enjoy my online relationships. And I feel like they’re intimate and close and fun. And I enjoy my in person relationships when I’m able to have them.

C 

I think I – I don’t see it as a downer. But I know some people like mentioning at first that we know a lot of people who are also very sick. And people dying is not unusual in the community. It’s sad, but it’s not unusual.

K 

Yeah.

C 

And so the ability to just kind of pick up and roll with new friends is essential. And that matches up very much with expats here. People rather than dying, they go back to their home country.

K 

Or a lot of people leave Japan for Korea or Indonesia.

C 

Teachers and things who go from country to country.

K 

Yeah. Like Singapore’s the dream for a lot of people. There’s a lot of money in Singapore for some expats looking for another job.

C 

Yeah. We didn’t choose Singapore, because you can’t own property

K 

Ever.

C 

Yeah. As a non-citizen.

K 

Yeah. And so there’s just like – and, too, we haven’t visited Singapore. And I liked Japan. We already did – I don’t have another visa hassle me.

C 

I don’t either. My job is like, do you want to come Australia? No. They don’t – they don’t pressure me about it. They only asked me once.

K 

I’m like, are you gonna give us permanent residency? Like, is that what you’re offering? Then even, I look, then I start looking around the house. And I’m like, no, I don’t want to pack. I don’t pack anything. So yeah, I really, I think it’s weird that in America, they believe that Rasta can have it all with a child. And I think if you’re a parent, and you’re honest with yourself, there are things you can’t have, and things you don’t do. Because you have a child. And I have several really close girlfriends that I’m that I’m close to because they don’t have children. And because I’m not obsessed with mine, and mine’s an adult. And I told y’all before, like when they bring him up, I’m like, no, this is our time is our time to hang out. And I also have some friends who have adult children, and they like to talk about them. I don’t know why.

C 

Americans don’t have different views on what will happen on average, but the American’s think Rasta will be the exception. He will be the one with the very happy marriage who’s very close to his kids, and nothing ever goes wrong. Japanese people are like yes, Rasta will will have the same risk as everyone else have these things going wrong. He’s not going to be the exception.

K 

Yes.

C 

And I think that really informs their views. It’s not like a different view of our society. It’s just a different view about the likelihood of somebody they like being the exception.

K 

Yes. So I feel like at least in our group, that they’re really grounded in reality. And I think too, our group of friends, a lot of them are cancer survivors. And so I think something happens when you’re terminally ill, or you survive a terminal illness; your relationship with reality and time and mortality really changes.

C 

Yeah.

K 

And you get that time is not infinite, and also respect for what people want to do with their time here on Earth. And what Rasta wants to do with his time here on Earth, been very honest. Is be selfish. He wants to be selfish. I told him you can spend that – what’s best for the environment is not having kids.

C 

Yeah, he’s not very selfish by like, setting things on fire or other things, he’s just kind of, I live my life.

K 

I’m being selfish by withholding the gift of my offspring.

C 

Dang.

K 

So now that we’ve just like, totally obsessed on Rasta for an hour, we have our other baby to talk about in our take two. And that is the second podcast, the Writers Triangle. And that’s sort of more of my baby than Chad’s, but kind of Chad’s baby too. And we’ll talk about over on the take two.

C 

We’re estranged.

K 

Thank you to our new patrons, we’re always happy when we add folks to Patreon and we’re happy that everybody’s enjoying all of the stuff that that there is – there’s so much to consume. Like just joined for a month and bathed in everything that is the Musicks in Japan. We appreciate your time and attention. Thank you for listening, and we hope that you follow us on over to Patreon. If not, we’ll talk to you next week.

C 

Bye.

K 

Bye.