K:
So lately I’ve been thinking about mentoring in the US versus mentoring in Japan, because I live in this dichotomy where I’m being mentored in the US currently, but I am mentoring in Japan. So I don’t know if that’s a difference between being a mentee and a mentor, or if mentoring styles in the US versus mentoring styles in Japan.
C:
I think they’re different from person to person. So I guess I think it’s broadly different between each country, but then there’s a lot of variation within a person.
K:
So what are the broad differences?
C:
I think the broad differences is some mentoring is like, here’s how you can become your best self. And some mentoring is like, here are these specific cultural things that you need to do to signal that you are worthy of these things you want. Like, when I do job mentoring, a lot of it is not that the person needs to change anything about themselves. It’s that they need to send different signals than they are in their CV, and the way they categorize their work history in their interviews or whatever.
K:
So I was mentored in Japan, but I was mentored on how to be ladylike.
C:
This is what I’m saying about some mentoring-
K:
In Japan-
C:
Is about how to give off those signals. Because I don’t think when… Because I know what you’re talking about.
K:
Yeah. And I think it was really antiquated.
C:
Yeah.
K:
I don’t feel like it was very modern, and it was 10 years ago. And I was… Because when we first came to Japan, 14, 15 years ago, I was trying to decide whether or not I wanted to assimilate.
C:
Right.
K:
And I decided I don’t want to assimilate because there’s way more benefits from being counter-culture than there is being assimilated in Japan.
C:
Yes.
K:
From my perspective.
C:
Oh, from mine too.
K:
Yeah. I think in the US that the US is so weird that they demand assimilation, but I don’t think that there are any particular benefits. Because if you’re… so let me just say for those of us who are not Musick Notes, or who are brand new Musick Notes listening today, if you listen to one episode I’m going to call you a Musick Note. I am indigenous, black, and Jewish. I’m also Dutch and French, but the Dutch and French just blend into white, and the Jewish doesn’t blend into white, for me anyway.
C:
Right.
K:
And the indigenous doesn’t blend into white, and the black doesn’t blend into white. So there are some situations where people did not know I wasn’t white because I’m very light skinned, but not so light skinned that in the winter, you wouldn’t know that I’m not white. But in the summer, people can’t tell. And then when tanning beds came along, everyone just assumed I tanned year round, which I thought was weird.
C:
Despite having friends who tanned year round.
K:
Yes. So I have friends who tanned year round, and they would tan to be my color year round.
C:
Yes.
K:
And that was weird. But when they would say to me, I thought, when they would say to me, “You have such a lovely tan, how do you manage it in winter?” And I’d say I was born with it. And they just laughed and thought I was being facetious and not wanting to give up my beauty secrets.
C:
Do you think they were like, oh, maybe it’s Maybelline.
K:
Yeah because that was a big campaign. Is she born with it, or maybe it’s Maybelline.
C:
Yeah.
K:
So for me, I’ve been in a room with white people who thought I was white, and that’s what they mean by assimilation. They mean act like whatever the wealthy white people in your area act like.
C:
Yes.
K:
Talk like them, look like them, act like them. And I’ve hung out with really white Californians who are very wealthy, in several states I’ve hung out with the very wealthy, and that’s what America means by assimilate.
C:
Yeah. I feel like assimilation usually means act in a way such that it’s clearly not your fault if people discriminate against you and bully you. If people are rude to you here, it’s because you’re not acting right. You should assimilate.
K:
Yeah. And so for me in Japan, I have someone tell me, “Don’t you want to be like Japanese?” You can never be Japanese, but you could be like Japanese, or you could tell people that you had a Japanese grandparent, and then you could be Hafu. And being called half-breed is for me like the most repulsive thing you could tell me I could aspire to.
C:
Yeah.
K:
I’m not half anything, I’m four times as much as of everything is what I’ve taught our son, and how I came to terms with being multiracial. Because for a lot of years, people didn’t want me to say I was multiracial. That was a controversial political statement. So I’ve been mentored throughout my life. When I was young, I was mentored in black culture and what it means to be black. I was also mentored in white Southern hospitality. So just random mentoring.
K:
And so I feel like the mentoring in Japan is just like the mentoring in the United States. It’s act like the dominant culture, whatever that dominant culture is wherever you are.
C:
Yeah.
K:
Because we live in… sorry for all the noise, it’s bugging Chad, but y’all know I move my microphone. I don’t care if it bugs Chad. I need to be physically comfortable. So I find that mentoring is usually designed in Japan and the United States to make people act like the dominant culture, whether that’d be the dominant work culture, whether that be the dominant education culture, whether that be the dominant social culture. What do you think? Because you’ve been mentored in both countries as well.
C:
I think that it really depends on who you are how people want to mentor you. And because I have been seen typically as the ideal, they have wanted to mentor me very differently. They have wanted to mentor me on how to rule all of the quislings and all of the peons.
K:
Yes.
C:
Rather than how to not get noticed. So I think that’s a huge difference is that when people say, “Well, I want to mentor you.” They want to mentor me to take the reins of whatever, and they want to mentor you to accept the reins.
K:
No, that’s-
C:
Or to understand what they are?
K:
So for me, when I was mentored, the best mentoring I ever had was in college by a multi-race professor. And she identifies as black, just like I do. And she’s a big reason why I don’t identify as African-American and you can listen to our identity thing, but it’s basically-
C:
Was it Dr. Aby?
K:
Yeah. And for me, it’s basically, you don’t get to let me claim Africa, because it’s a continent, not a country. And slavery took away my country. I am American, and I am not an African-American because I personally am not from Africa. I have ancestors from Africa. But you don’t say you’re English-American. You don’t say you’re Irish-American. You don’t say so for all of the different types of white that came here, they don’t say they’re hyphenated Americans. Sorry for that, I dropped something. They just say that they’re Americans.
K:
So I identify as black because that is my culture. But racially, despite what, 23 and Me would have you think, you cannot tell a difference of race by DNA. The difference in DNA occurs based on what part of the Earth your ancestors spent the most time. So they found in China, those red headed Chinese people, and they’re like, they’re red headed Chinese people. And they found out, no, they’re actually Norseman who lived in China, but their ancestors would have all the markings of being Chinese.
C:
Right.
K:
Because why? Their ancestors lived in China.
C:
I think some of-
K:
So there’s no DNA that’s different. So race is… and this might piss people off, but I don’t care… race is a political statement, it’s not a biological fact, just like gender is a sociological, just like race is. Because there are 24 different combinations of the X/Y chromosomes.
C:
That are viable.
K:
Yes.
C:
That people can live to adulthood with.
K:
Yes. So you can’t tell me that gender is biological, and it’s purely who has an X Y and who has two X chromosomes. Doesn’t work that way. And so you can say genitalia, but nope, doesn’t work that way either. So now that I’ve said controversy and everybody’s clicked off because they’re pissed off at us, let’s go back to talking about mentoring, because I feel like I just mentored and schooled you. Don’t be a bigot. Don’t be a bigot. Open your mind, read the science. And science will tell you that these things aren’t facts, and that these things are manmade.
C:
Yes.
K:
Yeah. Chad’s used to these rants.
C:
I am because you have schooled me. You have mentored me on this.
K:
That is so not true. You have done your own research, because when I first said it to you, you said, “That doesn’t sound right.” When I first told you that race wasn’t real. You were like, “That doesn’t sound right to me.” Because you were like, “DNA, there’s DNA differences.” Yes there are individual DNA differences. They can tell my DNA from your DNA. But DNA is not unique to one person.
C:
No, it’s not. I mean, your DNA is not identical to anybody else’s, statistically, unless you have a twin or a triplet or something. But when I learned, and I’m putting learned in heavy quotes, because when I was told by the racists who raised me, my parents-
K:
Yeah.
C:
That race is real, and statistics shows it, I didn’t have those statistics. And then I went and got some graduate degrees with statistics as a heavy part, and now I look at it and I go, oh shit, you’re right.
K:
Yeah. You have to do math to understand it.
C:
The inter-group differences are smaller than the intra-group differences.
K:
Yeah. So that’s kind of on my mind, because it’s a major part of my PhD on cultural intelligence. And the big thing about cultural intelligence is that people that score high in cultural intelligence, when you show them the facts that race is a social construct, they will agree with it. Once it’s laid out for them scientifically. So if they come in a room believing that… So this is mentoring, because I have to prove that someone with high cultural intelligence would be easier to mentor on this topic than somebody with low cultural intelligence. And the main difference that cultural intelligence creates is the ability to move away from stereotypes, and the ability to move away from culture based knowledge.
K:
So whatever culture you come from, you have culture based knowledge. In the United States I learned that it’s very dangerous to be black and outspoken. In Japan, I learned that if you’re the same color as most Japanese people, they will think you are part Japanese, no matter what you say to them, and they will try and hold you to different standards. So you should act hella American, so that way you don’t ever get held to those oppressive standards of rule following, like what foot to enter a room with, how deep to bow. I’ve talked about all that before.
C:
Yeah.
K:
So I think both countries try to mentor assimilation, no matter what domain you’re being mentored in.
C:
I think they do. And I think that I’m not saying names or even positions, but when I was part of the ACCJ the American Chamber of Commerce Japan, a lot of people wanted to mentor each other in their little dominance games and such, rather than assimilation. Like, “Here’s how we do it. Here’s how we take advantage of the other foreigners to make money.” Or. “Here’s how we fool those Japanese people.” Like I think that mentorship can go… I think it’s morally neutral and people can mentor you in things that are pro-social, and I think people can mentor you in things that are antisocial, and in things that are good or bad.
K:
I’m sorry if the low hum is bugging you like it’s bugging Chad.
C:
It’s not bugging me.
K:
I am boiling hot. It is the end of August.
C:
You are smoking hot.
K:
Yeah. And I can’t… I’m turning it down just really low. I was like, “I can’t do another 30 minutes without something blowing on me.”
C:
The volume meters are saying we can probably filter it out. So Kisstopher turned on a fan. That’s the thing she’s talking about.
K:
And aren’t you cute thinking that the people who edit, I don’t know how they edit the sound quality. Every now and then I will spot-check an episode and listen to it. But for the most part I don’t.
C:
Yeah.
K:
So that’s the mentoring that we’ve seen. I want to talk a minute, and this might make you uncomfortable, about you as a mentor, because something I think is so cool is that you’re a culture changer. And I think that’s just dead sexy about you, that you go in and change the culture of every group that you belong to because you don’t tolerate it. You’re like, “No, I don’t want to see you hitting on other women if you’re married. I don’t want to hear a derogatory statements about any sort of race or gender.” You just don’t do derogatory statements at all, and you let people know and people have wanted to fight you over it. And you’re like, “I’m not going to fight you over this. You can just go away from me if you want to do that, that’s all I’m saying. You can’t do that around me.”
C:
Yeah.
K:
And the people want to be around you because you’re very knowledgeable and you’re a good asset. And you’re willing to give of yourself so freely that people are willing to pay the price of cleaning up their act and getting themselves all the way together to be around you. And that’s what changes culture. And I think that is an example of how good my judgment is in proposing to you. So see, I brought that back around to how amazing I am.
C:
Good. Good. Yeah.
K:
Yeah. And I remember when the song, Thank You, Grateful by Natalie Merchant? Gratitude?
C:
Yeah. Gratitude, by Natalie Merchant. That’s right.
K:
By Natalie Merchant. I said, “This is how you make me feel.” And you’re like, “No.” You got so pissed. And I was like, “You’re going to have to learn to deal with this. You’re going to have to get comfortable with me respecting you and praising you.” And that’s it. So how did it feel? You had to take it on the chin.
C:
It’s honestly hard. Not joking. It’s hard, because a lot of the reason that I am just the way I am is because I felt so betrayed growing up and being like, “Wait, the people who are supposed to be teaching me morality are saying one thing and doing another. And the thing they’re doing is really awful. But the thing they’re saying is still pretty awful.”
K:
Yeah.
C:
And they’re saying, “Well, you can’t change the world,” which is just like, why not?
K:
Yeah. Like, don’t you even want to try?
C:
Because something I see here in the way things are described in Japan is that the Japanese will report that, “Oh, we Japanese think this.” And if I ask the Japanese people I know, every single one of them will be like, “I don’t think that.”
K:
Yeah.
C:
They’ll have these surveys, and this population will be like, “I don’t think that.” And the newspaper will say, “We don’t know how they rigged the survey, but people do think this.”
K:
Yeah.
C:
Okay.
K:
But the Japanese are really open, like we think everybody’s lying because a survey didn’t come out the way we wanted it to. And I’m like, “Rock on with that, that you put out a push survey.” A push survey is when the questions are designed to push people towards an answer. Well you put out a push survey, but when the Japanese people have privacy, they tell the truth.
C:
Yes.
K:
Shock and awe. And they print it that way. They’re like, “We’re just going to be honest that it is quite shocking that the Japanese people in the privacy of their own home, with no way to trace it back to them, tell the truth like this. We’re offended. We don’t like it.”
C:
Like, if you look at the Japanese parliament, which I think the average age right now is down to 62 or something. It peaked at 67.
K:
They’ve really been trying to bring in the youth.
C:
Yeah.
K:
Like seriously, there’s a campaign to make parliament more youthful.
C:
Right. 2010, I think they peaked at an average age of 67.
K:
Yeah.
C:
And people were like, “This is not sustainable.”
K:
Yeah.
C:
So yeah, they have been trying to get younger people to run for office, but they will come out with things like…
K:
Well, and by younger they mean people in their 50s.
C:
Yes.
K:
Which I think, yes, I have all my sense and all my faculties-
C:
You do.
K:
But I’m not Japanese, so. And I wouldn’t want to be in parliament. Not a fun job.
C:
But they’ll say things like, “The Japanese population isn’t ready for the cultural change to accept gay marriage,” as one specific example.
K:
But there’s one prefecture you can have same-sex marriage in.
C:
Yes. Shibuya, yeah.
K:
Yeah.
C:
Yeah. And there are a lot of other places-
K:
Which is so weird, because if you get married in Shibuya, you’re married in all of Japan.
C:
Not quite. You’d have to sue, and it would have to go to the Supreme Court, and it wouldn’t be binding precedent because of how the Japanese Supreme Court works.
K:
But you would win, because they do not… Because the way prefectural law works.
C:
Yes.
K:
And so prefectural law overrides… It’s not like the United States where federal law overrides state law, prefectural law override national law. It’s not federal law here.
C:
And I think in this specific case, they’d say, “Well, the bureaucracy approved this and therefore it must be right.”
K:
Yeah. Yeah. If you can get one bureaucrat to say yes, they fall in line.
C:
Right.
K:
They’re like, “We’re not going to fight this bureaucrat. They must know something I don’t know, because all of us bureaucrats are experts.”
C:
Yes.
K:
And I love that. So one thing when I mentor people about how to live life in Japan, I tell them, “Do not mess with bureaucracy. Do not be ugly at your ward office.” I’m so for real, be respectful, kind, and humble at your ward office, because your ward office will ruin your life in Japan.
C:
I only have to go there once every year or a couple of years, but they remember me.
K:
Yes they do. They peep you out. They have a file on you. They have who’s nice-
C:
Yes, they literally have a file.
K:
Yes, they have. But they also put in it who’s nice and who’s ugly.
C:
Yes.
K:
Because in Rasta’s file, they have, “His mother always comes with him,” because Rasta’s had to go since he was really young.
C:
Yeah, since he was 12.
K:
Yeah. And like his mother’s nice, she doesn’t speak, and she always comes with him. Because I want him to be his own person, so I don’t speak for him. And I think it’s so weird because they tell us in the beginning, “It says in the file that you come with him, you’re his mother, right, and you never speak.” They all want me to speak to them because it says I never speak. And I always just say, “Yes.” And then they light up because I spoke to them and it makes them feel special.
C:
Yes.
K:
Make your bureaucrats feel special. They will like you and remember you. I wish we could always get the skinny… Well, now that we’re permanent residents, we don’t have to go. But I always wanted, and I’m sorry for everybody, I know we’re not supposed to talk about people’s body, but this one guy was the thin man. And he was angry and hated everybody but us, because we always had all our paperwork together. And every time we went to him, that angry skinny guy, so I guess we could just call him the angry guy.
C:
Yep.
K:
The furious guy. He would yell at people and slam on the desk, and you thought I was beside myself when I was like, “We want him.”
C:
Yeah.
K:
Like, “I do not want him.” And I said, “We want him.” And you’re like, “Why do you want him?” I said, “Because our paperwork is right and tight, and he’s going to appreciate us.” And he snatched our papers, looked at us, and then said, “Go sit down.” And we went and sat down, and he looked through all our papers. Didn’t say a word to us, stamped all of them, and then told us, “Come here, you’re approved, go away.” And I was like, “See? You want the angry dude that doesn’t want to mess around.”
C:
So I think the last survey they did, the Japanese population supports marriage equality on the basis of sex.
K:
Yeah.
C:
At a higher rate than Americans supported it before the Supreme Court clarified that that should be the law in the US.
K:
Yes.
C:
And this relates to mentoring because I feel like sometimes all people need is permission, and the knowledge that somebody they perceive as being more powerful than them backs them in saying something.
K:
And I find that it’s more true in Japan than it is in the United States.
C:
Absolutely. In the United States, the saying is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
K:
Yeah.
C:
Meaning, make a lot of noise and you’ll be satisfied. And here, the saying is the nail that sticks up gets hammered down.
K:
Gets the hammer, yeah.
C:
Yeah.
K:
If you stick out, you get the hammer.
C:
This is also sometimes called tall poppy syndrome. If you’re a different, they’re like, “Conform!” Rather than celebrating you.
K:
And I think that a lot of people think that that means surface conformity. Because I don’t do surface conformity. I dress comfortably, and now I’m starting to dress… I’m almost at the age and almost have enough gray hair where people accept that I can dress comfortably.
C:
Right.
K:
I’m not quite there yet because it’s 60. And if you let me tell it, I’m almost 60. Because you can round my age up to 60.
C:
You are further towards 60 than not.
K:
Yes. And that was Chad knowing his place as my junior to not correct me and tell me that my age can’t round up to 60. But who knows when they’re listening to this, I might already be 60. We don’t know.
C:
If you round to the nearest 20, you will be 60 for a very long time.
K:
No, if you round to the nearest 20, I’d be a hundred.
C:
No.
K:
Yes, because I’m in my 50s, five runs over to the next one, the next spot.
C:
Rounding to the nearest 20, because you’re between 40 and 60, you would end up as either 40 or 60. You are over 50, so you would end up as 60.
K:
I am not between 40 and 60.
C:
Really?
K:
I’m almost 60.
C:
But you are less than 60.
K:
But I’m almost 60. I am closer to 60 than I am to 40.
C:
That’s why I’m saying, if you round to the nearest 20, then we’d round your age to 60.
K:
Musick Notes, y’all know Chad’s always trying to steal my shine when it comes to age. Always.
C:
If we rounded to the nearest 100, you’re 100 and I’m zero, and you are a cradle robber.
K:
Yes, take it. Take it, take the zero. You’re my ride or die, take the zero, but don’t die.
C:
So I think that for me, I don’t think of what-
K:
That’s my mentoring style.
C:
Yeah. What you’re describing as mentoring I don’t think of as mentoring. I think of that as just being who I want to be. And sometimes that’s leadership because I’m in a leadership position for whatever reason.
K:
Okay. Stop all that for whatever reason. You are so ambitious. I’m sorry, I have to out you here. I don’t normally out people, y’all know I let people tell their own story, except for Chad. You know I’m always telling Chad’s story. You want leadership. You are so ambitious, and so driven that I do interventions on you and tell you, “You need to stop and rest here for a minute.”
C:
It’s hard. And it’s hard because I see people doing things wrong and I want to mentor them to be right, and some people will only be mentored by a leader.
K:
Yes. So you’re always searching for more gravitas.
C:
Yeah.
K:
Whether it be credentials, whether it be position, you want the gravitas that everyone will take your mentoring. And I try and tell you that no matter where you get, some people will not want to be mentored.
C:
Oh, I absolutely accept that.
K:
Some people will not take the no.
C:
I absolutely accept that. I think that these vacuums develop if people don’t fill a position, and then somebody will come and fill it. And sometimes they are not the person you want.
K:
So I think when it comes to work, that that ambition is important. But I think in social settings, being the leader is not important. And I think sometimes you can get caught up in chasing empty leadership, like chasing leadership at the ACCJ. I told you that was a waste of your time, that you didn’t want it. I told you I will not help nor hinder you.
C:
Yeah. I think that now that I’m older, let’s say-
K:
Oh my gosh, now you’re just coming across as beggy.
C:
Well, I was in my thirties when I joined.
K:
Oh my God. You are just beggy.
C:
And now I’m closer to 50 than 40.
K:
Oh my God. Musick Notes, just send Chad a broken heart on Twitter, or a fist. Let him know you’re down with him or whatever, but I’m not respecting this. Pudding, help me with this intervention. Tell Chad, he’s not old.
C:
I think that people…
K:
And we’ll see who Pudding really loves. Does Pudding love you or me more? I think Pudding loves me more.
C:
Okay.
K:
Talks to you more, but loves me more.
C:
Could be.
K:
Yeah. So Pudding proved me right. So I think Pudding’s not going to say anything about your age, and just pretend like they didn’t read our transcripts or know about this episode.
C:
Yeah.
K:
Pudding’s going to be like, “No, I don’t understand what you guys are fighting about who’s old. I don’t know why you both want to be old so bad.” Pudding does not lust after being old.
C:
No.
K:
I don’t think that’s my identifier.
C:
I don’t think so either.
K:
But we were saying that in social settings-
C:
In social settings, I think that there are, like if you have an organized group, I think there are the leadership positions that are official titles, but then there are the cultural touchstones that people look to for like, what is acceptable behavior around here? Yeah. And I think that I don’t like it when people who are married hit on other people. Like I know some people have arranged in their marriage that that’s cool or whatever.
K:
Yeah, if you’re in an open marriage crack on.
C:
But I feel like the culture that I saw of just, let’s go out to somewhere with alcohol and let’s start hitting on the waitress, I think that got to me in particular. Was people hitting on people who were working and who couldn’t respond honestly, for fear of their jobs.
K:
Yes. So I think that you would do it gently, and I think I change cultures in a different way. I’m very direct. Whenever I go into a new group, I announce to everybody, “If you cheat on your spouse, I will tell your spouse.”
C:
Yeah.
K:
I will be the bearer of bad news and I will ruin their life. And I tell that to the person who’s with them. I say, “I will also tell your spouse. And I will also tell your employer.” Because in Japan you can sue the person who… for alienation of affection. If your partner cheats, you can sue the person that they cheated with. And I let everybody know, if you come for my happiness, I’m going to come for your happiness. And part of my happiness is not being around people who cheat, because of the pain that that causes.
K:
But I also tell people if you cheat, never confess. But that’s if I’m their therapist, I tell them never confess. But as a friend, I will… I am, snitches get stitches, I got a lot of stitches, baby, because I will snitch. I don’t believe in that culture. I believe that if you do the crime, you’ve got to do the time. I tell people, “If you still around me, I will turn you into the police, if you break the laws.” And I became more that way because in Japan, I know the law, and I know my responsibility, and people would want to do drugs around me. But if your phone number… we’ve talked about this before… if your phone number shows up in someone’s phone that does drugs, or gets arrested for anything, the police investigate you, especially if you’re a foreigner. So I became very aggressive with it that way.
K:
And I’ve always been a boss. So when it comes to the work culture and work climate, I’m the one who sets the tone. But I think what people don’t know is that I seem like a control freak, but the thing that I’m trying to do is to meet Chad’s exacting standards. That is how I live my life.
C:
Wow.
K:
You know it’s true. You know it’s true. The reason it took us six months to open up Cinnabar Moth Publishing was you and I negotiating what kind of press we want it to be. Who we wanted to publish, and the types of stories we wanted to publish. And you still randomly go in the inbox for submissions, even though you quit Cinnabar Moth, and read and try to tell me what to publish. To this day.
C:
I don’t try to tell you what to publish. I do try to tell you what not to publish.
K:
Yeah you do.
C:
That’s a different thing.
K:
Yeah, and you’re not on the committee that decides.
C:
But nevertheless.
K:
You don’t work for the company.
C:
I am being the change I want to see in the world.
K:
So the reason why I think it’s important for our listeners to know that you don’t have zen-like calm is because I think it’s a disservice to everybody who’s autistic. And I think for people who partner with, who are married to somebody who’s autistic, I think it’s important for them to just accept that they should do things to their autistic partner’s standard.
C:
Yeah. I think I don’t ask anything dangerous or immoral or any of that of you.
K:
And I think even if the autistic person is asking for those things, you need to decide do those cross your boundaries?
C:
Right.
K:
And so if you start dating somebody and they tell you they’re on the spectrum and they really are… The thing I don’t like is a lot of people with borderline personality disorder would rather be autistic than borderline. And I feel like if they would just lean in to being borderline, that they would be happier in their partnering and identify as being borderline.
C:
I think so. We have a few people with borderline personality disorder who are Twitter mutuals with us.
K:
Yeah.
C:
And they have great lives once they’re like, “You know what? I have BPD.”
K:
Yeah.
C:
“I’m going to be aware of that and just bring that consciousness to my relationships.” And now I think the majority of them are in happy relationships.
K:
Yeah. And I enjoy all of them.
C:
Yeah.
K:
I enjoy them on their bad day when they’re blaming me for everything that’s wrong in their life because I happened to be on Twitter at a particular time of day, and that is ruining their life. And I’m like “Crack on baby,” because I don’t take it personally because I know that they have borderline personality disorder and they’re having a bad day.
C:
Yeah.
K:
They’re having a day where they’re feeling persecuted. And I feel like I have so much empathy for that. And how that comes into mentoring is that all of our authors have something going on with them. They either have past trauma that they’re working through. A lot of our authors have PTSD. A lot of our authors are disabled or neurodivergent, so they fall under one of those categories, almost all of our authors. And I think they’re marginalized. I think all of our authors… I’m going through our list of authors… are marginalized in some way, whether or not that’s through gender.
K:
And that’s so important to me and almost all of our authors are first time published authors, and everybody just told them, “No, just no. I don’t like your book. I don’t like you. I don’t like your book.” And I think that’s such a stupid thing to say to an author. Like, why do you say that? Why would you tell somebody you don’t like them? Even authors… And there are authors that I do not like, because they harassed me and threatened to sue me over me not liking their query. And I feel like, bring that if you want to, you can talk to my lawyer.
C:
Okay.
K:
And I don’t like them as soon as they do that.
C:
Come over here to Japan where you have to pay 30% of the damages you’re seeking as a fee to the court.
K:
Yes.
C:
And if you won a million dollars, bring your $300,000 over here and file it as a non-refundable fee, and go ahead and sue us. And remember the loser pays court costs.
K:
Yeah. And one author wouldn’t sign their contract because I wouldn’t agree to let them sue me in the United States. And I’m like, “If you’re already thinking that we’re going to have to litigate, then I don’t think that you’re the right author for me to mentor.”
C:
Yes.
K:
Because you’re coming with the energy that I’m going to violate our contract, and I’m not. I usually give authors more than what’s in the contract. Not more money, but more time, more effort, more attention, more promotion than what’s talked about in the contract. Because I want the authors… My dream is that the authors will grow with the press, that the authors, as the press gets more prestige and more notice, so will the authors. The authors will get more prestige and notice. And I really enjoy co-mentoring, because I’m being mentored by the good folks at Outcast Press. I’m being mentored on things that are their strengths, and I’m mentoring them on things that are our strengths.
C:
Yeah. So peer mentoring there.
K:
It’s what?
C:
Usually called peer mentoring.
K:
Yeah. I love peer mentoring.
C:
Yeah.
K:
Do they do peer mentoring here in Japan? I’ve never heard of it.
C:
Peer mentoring here in Japan? Not really, no.
K:
Because Outcast Press, they’re in the US.
C:
Right. I’ve done… Because I’ve been in the academic system here, and I’ve been in a couple of different job systems here, and peer mentoring is not really a thing. Mentoring is very much seen as top down. The foreign companies I’ve worked for, like foreign as in not in Japan, some of them have done peer mentoring and some of them have not.
K:
I think your current company does peer mentoring really well.
C:
Yeah. And I’m a manager there and I have asked for resources to make sure peer mentoring is tenable, and that it doesn’t mean people working hours after work together. That it means that during the workday, they know that they can group up to work together, and teach each other and such.
K:
That’s one of the things I really liked about the company that you work with. And we don’t talk about, we don’t name the company. If you’re really curious, you can Google search and find out.
C:
Yeah.
K:
Google it. Because you know we don’t Google. I would not need to Google for the name of the company, but that’s not what this cats is about. We’re not telling their story. We’re telling ours. And that was something that they said in their literature that they do. But I was like… Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hnn. But then when you got into the company, they really have done a lot of peer mentoring. And now that you’re in the upper echelon, they have several tiers of management and you’re in the upper echelons of the management team. I liked that the thing they praise you for the most is how much mentoring you do, and how much of yourself you give to your team. I like that that’s the number one compliment.
C:
Yeah, that is the… I’m not trying to brag here about myself, but that is the consistent praise is that you get such good teamwork from the people you work with. And you’re a team player and you don’t put yourself first.
K:
Yeah. I love, my favorite compliment they’ve given you, is that they make better decisions when you’re in the room. I love that compliment because that’s what you feel and think. That’s at your core.
C:
It’s what I want.
K:
And it’s why I advise people that if you have an autistic partner, and if you’re actually autistic and you don’t agree with this, let me know. But everyone I’ve known and all the couples I’ve known, they’ve said “Yes.” All the autistic partners over my 30 years of being a therapist said, “Yes, if you can get my partner to just do things my way, everything would be better.” And it’s not a relenting of self if you think of your partner as your mentor in how to love them, because that’s how I take it. I take it as Chad is telling me how to make Chad happy.
C:
Well, here’s the thing. And I think you can tell me if I’m wrong. Sometimes I’ll tell you, “It would make me happy if you would do this,” and you’ll do it. And I’ll be like, “I thought that would work, but I was wrong.”
K:
Yes.
C:
So I’m never telling you like something that I think is wrong, and I’m willing to change my mind. I feel no shame about changing my mind when I get new information.
K:
Yes. And sometimes the new information is the amount of happiness you would get from it is not greater than the misery it would cause me.
C:
Right.
K:
And you don’t like that. You never like it, and I have to remember, I have to remind you because you have epilepsy. And if you have a seizure, sometimes this is the information that gets lost in the seizure, is that you agreed that we’re not going to use this standard. But I think we’re able to have those conversations because I say, “Okay, we’re going to go into, I’m mentoring you in how to love me.”
C:
Yeah.
K:
You’re mentoring me in how to love you. So when it comes to how I want to be loved, I am the authority.
C:
Yes.
K:
And when it comes to how you want to be loved, you’re the authority. What looks like love to you. And I’m not doing the love languages thing, okay?
C:
No, this is more like the platinum rule.
K:
What do you mean, more like the platinum rule?
C:
Growing up, I was taught the golden rule, which is do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
K:
Ugh. I tell you, please don’t do what you would want.
C:
Right. So the platinum rule…
K:
I rarely want the same thing as you, in terms of-
C:
The platinum rule is to treat other people the way they want you to treat them.
K:
Yes.
C:
Rather than-
K:
I like that. You just made that up.
C:
Rather than the way you want… I did not just make that up.
K:
Where’d you get it from?
C:
I don’t know. It’s been around for a while.
K:
It’s been around for a while?
C:
It’s been around for a while.
K:
I’ve never heard this. What’s a while?
C:
A while is at least 10 years.
K:
It’s been around for at least 10 years?
C:
At least, yeah.
K:
If I Googled stuff for the podcast, I would Google that right now. Like they would hear me typing.
C:
And I know that you’re probably going to Google it afterward and be like, “Babe…”
K:
No, I’m not. We’re going to record the take too. And they know my memory is like a sieve when it comes to these types of things.
C:
You’ll be like, “Babe you were so right.”
K:
Oh my gosh.
C:
“I don’t know why I doubted you once again-“
K:
Oh my gosh.
C:
“When you are right so often.”
K:
Lies. Lies. That hardly ever happens. But when it does happen, I do say it like that. I am that effusive.
C:
Okay. Now Japan doesn’t allow games of chance except for pachinko, but they do allow games of skills. So I’ll bet you a dollar that I’m right.
K:
We don’t bet a dollar anymore because you won’t accept that you were $4 in the hole.
C:
I was $4 in the hole.
K:
And I had to cancel your debt.
C:
You did.
K:
And ever since I canceled your debt, you haven’t won a bet.
C:
Yeah. You were like a dishonest bookie, but you were like, “I’m going to cancel your debt so you’ll come back.”
K:
What are you talking about? I was like a dishonest bookie.
C:
What, did I say that?
K:
Yes. I honestly canceled your debt.
C:
You did. But was it an honest debt?
K:
So do you want to make… Yes it was an honest debt. Do you really want to bet a dollar?
C:
I don’t think so.
K:
So you are not sure.
C:
Well, the exchange rate, you know?
K:
You are not sure that it is… Do you want to bet 100 yen?
C:
Yeah, I’ll bet 100 yen.
K:
Really? The exchange rate kept you from making the bet?
C:
You know I’m very literal.
K:
So do you want to bet 100 yen that for 10 years there’s been the platinum rule?
C:
Yes.
K:
Okay. I’ll take that bet.
C:
Okay.
K:
So in between recording the take two and this episode, I’m going to Google the platinum rule and see what the platinum rule is, just to be clear. So the Musick Notes know how our bets go down, that the platinum rule is what? I’m giving you a chance to state what it’s going to be.
C:
So the platinum rule is that you should treat other people the way they want to be treated.
K:
And that that rule has been in the public domain for at least 10 years.
C:
That it has been in public literature. In the public domain means something specific.
K:
The public domain, it has to be Google-able.
C:
Okay. Yeah. That it’s Google-able.
K:
And if it’s Google-able, it’s in the public domain.
C:
We publish books. We publish books, the same thing isn’t the public domain. That’s a very specific thing meaning they have no copyright protection.
K:
Okay. That it’s Google-able. That I would be able to Google it.
C:
Thank you. Yes.
K:
The platinum rule. I’m going to put into Google the platinum rule.
C:
And I will even give you the benefit. And I’ll even give you the benefit of not only will you be able to Google it, but that you will get results.
K:
No, it has to be the result that you said.
C:
Okay. That’s specific. Yes.
K:
Yeah. That the platinum rule, I’m going to Google it, and it’s going to say-
C:
Well, because I was just thinking you could Google anything, that doesn’t mean it’s going to come up.
K:
Yeah, and then it’s going to come up that you treat people the way they want to be treated.
C:
Yes.
K:
Right?
C:
Right.
K:
And if it’s there, you don’t get a hundred yen. It has to have been there for 10 years.
C:
That’s right.
K:
Okay. So now that we’ve worked out our bet, because we take our dollar bet seriously. And Chad’s so serious about the dollar bet. He’s like, “I don’t know what the exchange rate is.” So I’m like, “Okay, 100 yen.”
C:
Thank you. Because what if I bet a dollar now and I win it, and then you bet a dollar and you win it. But the exchange rate was better for your dollar. And you’re like, “You owe me three yen.”
K:
And he’s being serious. I shouldn’t say he, sorry. And Chad’s been serious. So Chad is non binary, but because we’ve been together for over 22 years and Chad recently came out as non-binary, I’m working the he’s out of my vocabulary, but it’s going to take a minute. So don’t get aggro with me. You have to give people time to adjust to change, because I’m not thinking when I’m talking about Chad.
C:
Yeah.
K:
I just talk about Chad organically.
C:
You and I have things worked out. Neither of us is upset with the other about anything like that.
K:
Yeah. But you know, the listeners might be upset for you.
C:
Yeah.
K:
The Musick Notes love you.
C:
You don’t need to be upset for me. Don’t cry for me, Argentina.
K:
I knew he was going to say that. And I just said he again, because the, “Don’t cry for me Argentina,” is always followed by, “I knew you were going to say that.”
C:
Yeah.
K:
Oh my goodness. I think that’s a wonderful note to leave things off on. So beautiful Musick Notes, we hope that you follow us on over to the take two. I’m going to be Googling in between, but that won’t affect your time to be able to listen because we put them up at the same time, and we will be talking about… What will we be talking about? Oh, how we make decisions about what to add to the press? No, we’ll be talking about launching books monthly.
C:
Yes. That’s the one.
K:
Yeah. We’ll be talking next week about how to make decisions from the press, and I’m obviously reading this and I read the wrong thing. I have my glasses on and now I can see what we talked about, launching books monthly. Because as of August, we’re going to have a book every month except November. So launching books monthly really happens next month. So anyways, we’ll talk to you in a few minutes, or we’ll talk to you next week. Thanks for listening. Bye.
C:
Bye.
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